I really love the people of the
Downtown East Side.
I run to them.
And I've been trying to figure
out why.
I think it’s because nothing
about them threatens me.
I'm not scared of drug addicts or
their dealers, prostitutes or their pimps, the mentally ill, the thieves, the
compulsive-liars, the violent, the murderers.
I think that's because the faith
that comes easiest to me is trusting God with big things. The only reason that
the people of the DTES might scare me is if I feared for my life. And I
don't.
And I've never been scared of
strangers.
I actually adore strangers...
Who I am scared of are my
peers.
I run from them.
And I've been trying to figure
out why.
I think it’s because I feel
threatened by them.
I'm so frightened of them that
sometimes I even fear them in stranger form (rare but it happens).
I have an on and off relationship
with Facebook because it's full of peers who scare me.
The following scare me:
1. Peers who appear to be pretty.
2. Peers who appear to be
self-confident.
3. Peers who appear to be happy.
4. Peers who appear to be
well-liked (..popular).
And these people are even more
frightening in real life than online.
The inferiority I feel
in response to them is crippling.
I see them.
But I don’t really know them.
So I can’t see any flaws or
vulnerabilities.
They see me.
But they don’t really know me.
And I don’t think I have any
perfection to show them.
So they just see flaws and
vulnerabilities.
But they don’t understand them.
I don't want to be friends with
them.
I want to forget about them.
I want to run from them.
It's been this way as long as I
can remember.
And I've been trying to figure
out why.
I think it’s because I'm scared
of them creating a ‘me’ that’s not me.
Strangers (God love'm) are great
because:
1) They, by definition, have no
understanding of me.
2) I neither expect, require nor
desire for them to understand me.
I like my people to fall into one
of two categories; either they know me deeply, or they don't know me at all.
Peers make me feel uncomfortable
and self-conscious and insecure because they know things about me but they
don't actually know me. It makes me seriously frightened to have people
thinking they know a 'me' that isn't actually me. I feel trapped in their perception
of me. It feels like the real me is being suffocated, buried, deemed irrelevant. It seems like people don't actually realize that they
don't know me. Or that they don't actually care to know me.
I want to hide from people who assume
they know who I am but who have never known or understood me.
.... My brother has described
having a similar feeling. That is, it makes him extremely uncomfortable when
people who don't deeply know him make a verbal judgement or observation of him.
It seems wrong to him that they should do that.
All of this is the cause of a major
problem.
It makes
it impossible for me to love my peers.
Don't be fooled into thinking I'm
virtuous for loving the people of the DTES. It's easy for me to love them because they are strangers. I feel free to
be myself with them. I feel free to be vulnerable with them. I feel free to be
weak with them. I expect nothing from them. I don’t need to try and earn their
love because it doesn't matter if they love me or not.
My affinity for the people of the
DTES is primarily selfish.
Who I run to, and who I run from,
is based on my desire to uphold and protect me.
And I am so ashamed.
There is nothing present here other
than self-love.
I love people who either love me
(know me),
Or people who I don't need to
love me (know me).
(I think being loved has a lot
to do with being known).
I have loved me.
I have not loved people who don't
love me.
Yet I think that in order to love
Christ I must obey Him.
And in order to obey Christ I
must love people who don't love me in return.
My fear of not being loved by you
is keeping me from loving you.
Forgive me.
I have not been able to love you
because I have not believed that Christ's love is enough for me.
I have not believed that it is
enough to have Him know me.
If I believed that, I would be
able to love you without you truly knowing me.
I would be able to love you
unconditionally.
I would be able to love you like
you need to be loved.
Yet I
have joy because I believe that all this and more will be possible.
Because He is faithful to finish
the work He has begun in me (Philippians 1:6).
Because He continues to teach and
guide me (Psalm 32:8).
Because He promises His help, His
strength and His victory (Isaiah 41:10).
Because His power is made perfect
in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).
And, of course, His grace is sufficient for
me (2 Corinthians 12:9).
Therefore,
Having been justified by
faith,
I have peace with
God
through our Lord Jesus
Christ,
through whom also we have access
by faith
into this grace in which we
stand (!!!!!!!)
and rejoice (!!!)
in hope (!!!!)
of the glory of God (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).
And not only that,
J
but we also glory in
tribulations,
knowing that tribulation
produces perseverance;
and perseverance,
character;
and character,
hope.
(WOOOHOOOOOOOOOO)
Now hope
DOES NOT DISAPPOINT
(amazing stuff)
because the GREAT LOVE of
God has been poured out into our hearts by the Holy
Spirit who was given to us.
Sincerely,
the much-read, much-true and much-wonderful Romans
5:1-5
