EXCITING

About 15 days ago I decided to leave this blog for dead. The decision to dispose of it was due to its association with some really icky sins and temptations. 

Icky = selfish-ambition to make something of myself by my writing.

Icky = writing with the desire to be noticed, appreciated and admired.

Icky = believing value is proportional to popularity.

Icky = being dishonest with myself in attempt to be something people want.

It's icky just writing those things. I feel like I got caught up very quickly in a rat-race of messed up motives. I'm still unsure about keeping this blog going... already I feel the icky coming back.

But right now,

I have something I want to say.

And don't have another medium at hand.

SO!

LAST NIGHT (or more accurately, early this morning) I HAD THE BIGGEST AND BESTEST ANSWER TO PRAYER THAT I HAVE HAD IN A LONG, LONG, LONG, LONG, LONG, LONG TIME.

My life. has been. an absolute mess.

I was very, very, very lost. 

very confused.

very unhappy.

very trapped.

AND I THINK THE BREAKTHROUGH HAS COME!

(I know, breakthroughs are really hard to believe in, I definitely wasn't believing that one could happen, but then this morning, I was like, remember God?, when breakthroughs used to happen?, I do, so, I mean, I know they can happen, and I really need one right now, and You know what?, I believe that You can make one happen, could You make it happen soon?, because I'm dying here).

AND THEN IT HAPPENED. 

But I didn't really realize it was happening.

My journals re: THE BREAKTHROUGH.

This is nearly too precious to behold. 

Somehow you caught my attention and turned me back to You, back to the Truth, back to faith.

As I was praying asking for help, something I thought led me to a memory of something I saw that day, something that I knew (in a gut-feeling sort of way) had the answer I needed. It was a bit blurry at first but I finally tracked it down to the Eric Ludy sermon that I had seen in my email inbox earlier.

And I suppose I wasn’t even that convinced that I needed to watch it, because I very nearly went back to watching Netflix, and I was also talking with Elyce on skype... but somehow when I got to the sermon page it just seemed like the easiest place to stay, and so I stayed there and watched it. Eventually I became so enraptured by the truth I was hearing that I had to stop talking to Elyce.

Ludy began talking about the great moral failure of a Christian man he much respected. And then he began his sermon to fight the thing that I think has been my problem – that it seems all strong Christian people are doomed to fail, that we are weak, and that we will eventually fall against the enemy. Ludy said something like, when he was younger, he had thought that if his failure in following Christ was inevitable, it wasn’t even worth trying.

This is what I’ve felt like when I’ve stayed in bed all day. That I will fail. That even if I love Christ in my mind, and even if I believe that He is my only hope of anything, if I go out and try to live for Him I will fail. Guaranteed. Because I have already. And I do over and over again. And I would just rather not try if that's the case. Because it's not worth it. So not having a desire to try, nor having the conviction to go after anything else, I stay in bed.

But Ludy said that he refuses to believe that we have to fail, and his faith is beginning to shed light for me.

What I need to do, in order not to fail, is to believe.

Believe completely. Commit to trusting my God in everything. REFUSE to listen to all the noise that is tempting me to think otherwise, but BELIEVE HIM. 

This has been my deepest problem. I keep failing to live for Christ because I am standing sideways, trying to be guided both by Him and by the world. I have not been trusting that Christ is all the Truth I need, but I have been considering everything the world says. I’ve been unwilling to appear narrow-minded (not turning fully to face my Master and putting my back to the world). I keep thinking that the world is saying something good. I have not been willing to admit that the world has nothing good to say to me. That the world is lost, is in sin, is without the Truth, is without wisdom, is without understanding. 

What I need to do, is to choose to believe God in every circumstance, no matter what the world says or the evidence that it hands me. I need to come to terms with the reality that I will appear as a fool. Like believing God’s Word, that Lazarus’ sickness would not end in death, while he lay dead for days.

I’ve spent countless journal entries discussing my confusion over what it is that I’m supposed to do with my life. Knowing, of course, that my life exists for the purpose of glorifying God but seeking some way, specific to me, to do this. Feeling that everything is pointless. Like there is nothing I can actually do.

But this is it. It’s this simple, yet the most difficult task that could ever be given a human. To believe His Word. 

That’s my work while I’m here in the flesh (and I’m SO excited because I’ve finally been given the light I need to BELIEVE this, this purpose satisfies my heart).

Believing in Him is what matters. And it is something I can tangibly choose to do, every moment of every day. And believing in Him IS what glorifies Him. It’s not the product of believing in Him that I am looking to or placing my hope in, these are peripheral. My life serves its purpose by unceasingly pointing to Him, by believing in Him. 

These are all truths clearly established in His Word, but I am finally seeing them now. 

Another grievance of my bed-hiding time has been that I felt it impossible to deny myself, yet knowing that life in Christ is only possible if I die to myself and He comes to live in me. I kept asking ‘how do I do that, how do I do that!?!?!?!?'

And I think the answer is by believing.

Because if I’m choosing to believe His Word, then I am by necessity putting myself to death. I’m refusing everything that the world offers me as life, and only being willing to take what He offers as life. I’m completely giving up any chance of having life or reputation in the world. I rely on Him for everything. 

What I’ve wanted so desperately, and what I’ve known myself to be lacking this entire time = faith.

Maybe what is finally making a difference now, what I finally see, is that I have to choose to believe despite everything that tells me not to. I have to make a decision to believe that is not to be held in limbo, being swayed by every opinion of the world, which I have been doing (friends, psychology, biographies).

It’s like I’ve been set free to believe that I can practice the faith that I thought I was supposed to practice, but gave up hope on. When I began believing, I remember thinking like Eric Ludy, that the promises in the bible were REAL promises, and then that we should ACTUALLY live by them. This seems like the most grievous of all problems with the Christian church in the world – that we don’t actually hold God to what He says. I want what He promises. To live victoriously in Him as He promises. It seems like the Christian’s of the world don’t believe in victory while in the flesh... and I have been lost to that lack of faith for a while. 

What we need to do is believe God despite everything. I’m not doing this justice with words. We need to not listen to anyone but God, and not believe anything but His Truth. We need to believe Him even when all evidence points against Him. We need to completely commit to Him as the Truth. 

Another thing that I realized, if not for the first time, than for the first time I remember – the task of reading Scripture isn’t just for the task of reading Scripture (also the task of praying isn’t just for the task of praying, and the task of abiding in Christ isn’t just for the task of abiding in Christ), ALL is for the task of BELIEVING. 

Why read God’s Word in the morning? To do the work of believing in Him.

Why pray? To do the work of believing in Him.

Why abide in Him? To do the work of believing in Him.

Believing in Him IS glorifying Him. 

Repent and BELIEVE.

This is the work that I am alive to do. Doing this will satisfy me. 

When I forgot how to do this, when I thought it was impossible to do this, I despaired of life. 

Reading back on journals, the times when I was fighting to believe are the times when I was joyful... fighting to believe is my greatest joy. 

This is beyond amazing. 

I was grasping SO hard for this understanding. I thought I would never find the thing that would make life worth living or that would give me something worth doing. I knew I needed a task but to ‘glorify God’ was so intangible and unknown. 

The fight to believe strings together my entire life. Everything I’ve ever done has been a part of this fight. All of the depressive times and the confusion have been from failing to believe. All of the joy and excitement and hope has been from believing. 

The key to my life- believing that Christ is My Saviour, that He has done all He has said He has done, that He is doing all that He says He is doing, and He will do all He says He will do. My life depends on believing Him and is for believing Him.

This life on earth, in this world, I was so confused about it. What the purpose of it is. Why does He leave us here in this world, and why has He made a world that is so lost. 

This I haven’t figured out enough to satisfy my analytic mind... but I think that joy and victory of faith is enough to make it worth staying here and fighting. To overcome the world by faith. To glorify Him by doing so. 

I’m not sure what will happen to faith when we end up in heaven... we will then truly know all that we have believed. But the situation here is perfect for believing.

So that's it!

CHECK OUT THE SERMON!

Guidance for people like me:

1. Don't be worried if none of this is mind-blowing to you... God blows different people's minds with different truths at different times for different reasons... trust that He will blow yours as is best for you. 

2. Humble yourself and learn to rejoice with your fellow believers as they are making wondrous discoveries that you have already made. 

3. Don't tie yourself up in knots with little theological errors or lacking in my reasoning. All human sources of truth will have flaws. Test the message and then allow what withstands your testing to encourage you. 

ALSO.

(in case you've forgotten).

Having your mind blown by God's glory is an excellent endeavor for the everyday. 

And an especially great way of doing this is by coming to know those who have believed Him.

So while your perusing all the exciting glory of God in Acts, and Hebrews, and 2 Kings (... and everywhere else in the bible, but not to overwhelm you....)

Also get yourself some good books about the following people:

Rees Howells

Hudson Taylor

William and Catherine Booth

David Wilkerson

Gladys Aylward

Amy Carmichael

C.T. Studd

John Knox

John Wesley

Edward Payson

John Hyde

David Brainerd

Jim and Elizabeth Elliot

Leonard Ravenhill

Richard Wurmbrand

Corrie Ten Boom

Andrew Murray

Jackie Pullinger

George Mueller

Charles Spurgeon

A.W. Tozer

E.M. Bounds

Paris Reidhead

Edward Payson

David Livingstone

D.L. Moody 

Esther Ahn Kim

Keith Green

List compiled from Eric Ludy's Sermons. 

Bolded are the ones whom I have come to know.

The rest I look forward to discovering in the future. 

Contact me with anything you might have to say!

The Sentence of Death in Ourselves

Read this entire thing seriously. Not just the highlighted part. Think before God about it. 

For we do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, of our trouble which came to us in Asia: that we were burdened beyond measure, above strength, so that we despaired even of life. Yes, we had the sentence of death in ourselves, that we should not trust in ourselves, but in God who raises the dead, who delivered us from so great a death, and does deliver us; in whom we trust that He will still deliver us, you also helping together in prayer for us, that thanks may be given by many persons on our behalf for the gift granted to us through many (2 Corinthians 1:8-11). 

We may just end up doing a little trek through 2 Corinthians.

SO MANY THINGS TO PONDER!!!

Leery on Anti-Depressants

I've been thinking more about the Christian view of depression and I am still leery on taking anti-depressants. I'm not convinced that they are an absolute no-no, but neither am I sure of when they should be a yes. I definitely don't think all depression should be medicated because some depression actually has good purpose. Depression drives me towards God. Also, depression is a 'correct' response to the state of our world if we are separated from God. 

But does it come to a point when depression is too powerful and needs to be treated or else it will be impossible for us to abide in Christ? And can we know that point?

Diagnosing Depression

I think that everyone agrees that there is an extreme unknownness in regards to the diagnosis of depression. Its seems to me that a certain amount of depression is normal for people who think deeply and often times it doesn't need to be treated. The symptoms of depression occurring here - hopelessness, fear, worry, worthlessness - are dispelled when the thinker receives renewed faith.

It's necessary to highlight here that my personal experience with depression isn't what people are defining as clinical depression; my depressive seasons have always been lifted as I return to trusting God. The claim is that real, clinical depression is caused by chemical imbalances which disable the ability to control one's thoughts and therefore to have faith.

It seems that the most definitive diagnosis of depression is based on length of time (some say more than two weeks). But this doesn't work for me because I've been bed-ridden for a least a month and have still been able to recover by faith. During the times I've been depressed, I haven't been able to convince myself of anything worthwhile living for (but I wasn't suicidal). I believe that God did (and continues to) free me from hopelessness in response to prayer (and He is the one who enables my faith and my prayer). Praying - choosing to trust God despite not trusting God, begging Him to forgive me and draw me to Him, declaring truth about Him, leaning completely on Him and not at all on myself - brings about a lightness and a freedom that I couldn't think myself into. My experience tells me that God can give me a peace which I can't create or find on my own.

Thought Control and Faith

Anti-depressants are supported by Christian's on the assumption that we must be in control of our thoughts in order to have faith. I realize that reasoning is certainly critical to having faith.

For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ (2 Cor 10:3-5). 

What I'm not sure about is whether our control of thoughts is necessary to produce faith. What if the ability to bring thoughts into captivity to the obedience of Christ is not ours but God's? What if we don't actually have the the control to bring our thoughts under Christ? Like the weapons we use are God's, not our own. 

Try to follow this. I can't think myself into peace in Christ. I can pray myself into faith in Christ. But, you ask, doesn't praying = thinking? 

I think they might be different. When I pray, I am forming thoughts, but I don't feel in control of them. I mean, when I'm praying I end up thinking thoughts that I couldn't have imagined thinking if I wasn't praying. It feels like I don't know where the thoughts came from or how they managed to come about. I don't know where the strength came from to really think them. 

I know this distinction sounds really contrived and ambiguous. But I think things are tangibly different when I am thinking to God and when I am thinking to myself. When I pray, I receive faith to trust God that I didn't produce. When I'm praying I surrender control of my thoughts to God, and He controls my thoughts, and He produces the faith. 

It makes me think of this: Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered (Romans 8:26). But I'm not positive that this scripture actually applies to what I was just saying... I just know that this scripture is saying something that I should be paying attention to. Requiring further attention...

I'm theorizing that we aren't responsible for our faith, neither for the strength or fruit of our prayers, but it is God working in us to produce what pleases Him. What He accomplishes through us is irrelevant to our strength and ability. 

I've given myself a headache. 
Yet we continue.

Faith as a Gift

As I understand it, faith is something we receive from God, not something that we bring about by our own control. By that understanding, faith should still be possible in depression even if we can't achieve it ourselves. And freedom from depression should be possible by prayer, and if not our own prayer than that of others.

Also, if faith is a gift than the following is also true: Christian's who are taking anti-depressants should not be feeling ashamed because other Christian's are accusing them of lacking faith. All Christians do lack faith. Lacking faith is inevitable based on the reality that we are still in a fallen world and still imperfect. (Also, your faith doesn't belong to you, so your pride shouldn't be injured if you don't have it. You have no right to pride. All of your boasting is in Christ). 

Your shame in lacking faith is the same as your shame in being a sinner. Your faults are real, but you are not supposed to be ashamed of them any longer, because you have repented and been forgiven through the death and resurrection of Christ. The response to guilt for having depression, or for being medically treated for it, is to repent and turn to Christ. That's always the solution. No matter how confusing the situation seems. Just keep on turning to Christ and He will guard you as well as reveal, in time, the way that you should go.  Believe Christ and keep on trying to believe. I know it seems like faulty logic - i.e. how can you believe when you lack faith - but still you must believe unto faith.

Your brain is probably tired by now.

Mine is.

And so we plow on.

An Analogy for Anti-Depressant?

The most convincing Christian argument (in my opinion)  for clinical depression is that it causes a chemical imbalance which will most likely not be resolved by faith but should be medically treated. Similar to how one doesn't refuse glasses on the conviction that by their faith God will heal them from poor vision. These physical aids are chosen because clear vision (thank you glasses) and a clear mind (thank you anti-depressants) are necessary for both intake of God's Word and thought-control - which is in turn, and most importantly, necessary for faith. Glasses and anti-depressants themselves aren't actually healing, but they are God-given tools to enable our physically corrupted bodies to give their full attention to Him. 

A side note: there is still a niggling discomfort in my mind with the line-drawing that occurs at 'chemical imbalance'. Yes it's a physical thing, yet can I cause chemical imbalances in my own brain? When I am hopeless and stay in bed all day, do my negative thoughts change my brain chemistry? (I'm suspicious that they do). So... does there come a point where my brain has been chemically imbalanced for so long that now the chemicals are controlling my thoughts, rather than my thoughts controlling the chemicals? Is it like porn, where I've brought my mind into the habit of feeling a certain way, due to chemicals that I invited in, and now the chemicals have such a hold on me that I can't escape them? That I need medication (I'm still not sure)? Or that I need serious counselling and support (which I heartily approve of)?

Another side note: Christian's who support anti-depressants usually support that anti-depressants are solely giving the individual back the thought-control they once had. Yet there is evidence and opinion which says anti-depressants can alter personality, not returning the patient to their normal but rather being used to create a 'desired' normal. An artificial happiness, or even artificial personality, that wasn't experienced by that person before they were depressed. One example is Peter Kramer's work on Prozac. (I wrote a paper on this "Medicating our Personalities: A Reflection on Anti-Depressants" in my second year philosophy course (contemporary ethical issues). My views in that one are current as of April 2013). 

One of the major issues I see with glasses and anti-depressants is that they appear to give life (the ability to experience earthly life and enjoy it). Christians can begin to assume that they are okay now that they are able to function okay (I think that we all do this and it's natural - sinful - for us to do this). While you were blind or depressed, it was easy to remember that you needed God. Now that you seem fine it's more difficult. Except the glasses and anti-depressants didn't heal you. They gave you an artificial function of being healed. 

You still have poor vision and you are still hopeless. You are still subject to sin if you are not abiding in Christ and living by faith. I maintain that depression has a spiritual cause - that being that we are inherently hopeless and subject to all things evil on our own. We can become depressed while we are Christian's because we still lack faith, we are still imperfect, we still need to be constantly abiding in Christ in order to live. Anti-depressants can successfully treat the physical implications of the spiritual cause (sinfulness and lostness = an unhealthy mind and unhealthy body). But you still are not healed. You still have the most urgent need of abiding in Christ to defeat.

A Semblance of a Conclusion

We must decide whether or not anti-depressants are okay on a case by case basis and always be seeking first and foremost to abide in Christ. 

Anti-depressants can help us gain a healthy mind like exercise can help us gain a healthy body. But a healthy mind doesn't heal us just like a healthy body doesn't heal us. Therefore... exercise yourself toward godliness. For bodily exercise profits a little, but godliness is profitable for all things, having promise of the life that now is and of that which is to come. This is a faithful saying and worthy of all acceptance (1 Tim 4:7 -9).

DISCLAIMER: I am, of course, still thinking and praying and trying to come to the Truth. All these rambling thoughts are a part of me getting there. Which means, on some points, I'm likely going to disagree with myself later. Also I realize my reasoning becomes difficult to follow at points... sorry about that. 

Food for the Inner Man

Some wisdom from George Mueller which I plan to act upon: Food for the Inner Man


To entice you:

"I saw more clearly than ever, that the first great and primary business to which I ought to attend every day, to have MY SOUL HAPPY IN THE LORD... As the outward man is not fit for work for any length of time, except we take food, and as this is one of the first things we do in the morning, so it should be with the inner man. We should take food for that, as every one must allow. Now what is the food for the inner man: not prayer, but the Word of God: and here again not the simple reading of the Word of God, so that it only passes through our minds, just as water runs through a pipe, but considering what we read, pondering over it, and applying it to our hearts."