Obsessive-Compulsive Knowledge Hoarder

Wow is blogging ever a world in itself.

It's finally happened with blogging, what happens with every other thing I learn. I get introduced to something new, I dabble around in shallow waters for a while, enjoying the quiet bliss of acquiring small yet significant new skills/concepts/successes. Then after enjoying the blissful feeling of progressing well, of having overcome newbie-dom and conquered some unknowns, I jump into waters in which I have no hope of ever plumbing their depth or breadth. 

I'm a chronic knowledge-seeker who feeds on the excitement of discovery and the sequential mastery of new understanding. The thrills of newbie blogging: inserting my first html code, photo shopping my first header design, learning about common blogger widgets such as nRelate and AddThis, understanding previously foreign blogging jargon. 

Then all of a sudden I land on someone's blog and realize that the knowledge, skills and experience necessary to create what they've created are vastly beyond me. I have no idea how most bloggers do even 1/100th of their blog formatting.

And then I panic and start trying to amass as much knowledge as I can for no other purpose then to amass knowledge. I mean I'm trying to add all these formats and widgets and whatever-else to my blog because someone else did it and I HAVE TO KNOW HOW.

Thankfully, this time sooner rather then later, I realized that I don't even want to put those things on my blog. I don't need those things on my blog. I am just an obsessive-compulsive knowledge hoarder.

I'm not sure why I have this unfailing, unconscious, tyrannical drive to know everything. It's potentially my greatest struggle to accept the fact that I can't know everything, or even get close to it. Some people, when I tell them I think I'm supposed to know everything, flippantly say "But you can't" like, because it's true, it should be simple for me to just say 'oh well' and move on with my life. But it's really not. Really. I go insane trying to figure everything out and mostly I would prefer to be insane than not to know. 

Most of the problems I have can be traced back to this tendency.

What do you think I can do about this?
What do you think the gospel has to say about it?

Van Gogh

Yesterday I was studying Freud and leaning a bit about talk therapy, how the catharsis of speaking their thoughts can free people from the symptoms of their mental illness, specifically schizophrenia. I'm not sure what I think about that yet. I mean I definitely think that it 'works' (re: the memoir of Elyn Saks and her talk therapy). But why does it relieve the symptoms and what are the source of the symptoms. I have my ideas but they will stay in my brain for now.

A lot of the time I spend thinking is aimed at trying to fit worldly realities and biblical truth together. 

Today I was reading about Vincent van Gogh and his life. I didn't know much about it. His father was a minister in the Dutch Reformed Church. Van Gogh was significantly committed to the gospel for much of his life (he only lived until 37). He studied theology some and lived as a missionary for a period. He was trying to preach the gospel. As he began to take his own artwork very seriously he considered major works of art to be leading people to God. 

Van Gogh reportedly abandoned any faith in God when a theologian who he had respected and trusted refused to let him marry his daughter. The daughter also refused to marry Van Gogh. Most likely the refusals were based upon Van Goghs extreme mental instability which was well present by that time. 

Van Gogh was likely bipolar, possibly schizophrenic, and suffered from a variety of health problems. He did drastic, violent things such as cutting off part of his ear. He saw hallucinations and experienced very strong depressive and manic episodes. He died from a gunshot wound in his chest. Suicide is the largely accepted theory but some argue otherwise.

I think his life is absolutely fascinating. Before he died (he didn't die immediately from his gunshot wound), his brother reported that his last words were "the sadness will last forever". 

I'm hesitant to share what I'm thinking about all this because the majority of people would call it absolute lunacy and probably write me off as a very poorly misguided, intolerant and crazy extremist. Ack. Here goes anyways.

I think the course of Van Gogh's life reflects a life without God. I think it was sinfulness and temptation that lead him away from God, and sinfulness and temptation that destroyed him. I think that after rejecting God he became utterly lost and there was no hope for him. I think he was buffeted on every side by the devil, against whom Van Gogh had no defense after he refused the Savior he once believed in. The angst and confusion and pain of his life is even more amplified than that of most because he once knew hope and truth.

For if, after they have escaped the pollutions of the world through the knowledge of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, they are again entangled in them and overcome, the latter end is worse for them than the beginning. For it would have been better for them not to have known the way of righteousness, than having known it, to turn from the holy commandment delivered to them. But it has happened to them according to the true proverb: “A dog returns to his own vomit,” and, “a sow, having washed, to her wallowing in the mire.”

2 Peter 2:20-22

Van Gogh's life also makes me think about the following verse:

For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened, and have tasted the heavenly gift, and have become partakers of the Holy Spirit, and have tasted the good word of God and the powers of the age to come, if they fall away, to renew them again to repentance, since they crucify again for themselves the Son of God, and put Him to an open shame.
Hebrews 6:4-6

I think that the devil is real and that he messes with me everyday. I think that he eggs me on in my own sinfulness to refuse Christ and seek my meaning and value in the world. I think that he is involved and happy whenever I sin - when I hate, when I lust, when I desire my own recognition and success, when I take pride in my own rightness, when I stop believing that Jesus is real and true. I think he is constantly trying to remove me from the only one who I need.

I continually fail to acknowledge the power that the devil has and is daily using to bring me to my destruction. But more significantly, usually when I am failing to acknowledge the devils supernatural involvement in my life I am also failing to acknowledge God's supernatural power in my life. 

I need to believe God's supernatural power in order to survive. I am hopelessly sinful and when I don't believe God I have no defense against my own sinfulness. Jesus is my only hope of being free from my own sin. I need to pray and repent and beg for help and depend on God when I sin. It doesn't work when I try to fight my sin on my own. And against all the things that hurt me and confuse me I must wield a faith that trusts Jesus with my life and frees me to love Him more than myself. 

I really don't enjoy believing things that people I know and respect disagree with. Even things they think are ridiculous. But at some point I'm just going to have to suck it up and be okay with the fact that when I say what I believe people are going to think I'm foolish. And I need to stop not saying what I believe because I want to control what people think of me. If people could read my thoughts I would never have this problem.

"For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who suppress the truth in unrighteousness, because what may be known of God is manifest in them, for God has shown it to them. For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse, because, although they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish hearts were darkened. Professing to be wise, they became fools, and changed the glory of the incorruptible God into an image made like corruptible man—and birds and four-footed animals and creeping things.

Therefore God also gave them up to uncleanness, in the lusts of their hearts, to dishonor their bodies among themselves, who exchanged the truth of God for the lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever. Amen.

For this reason God gave them up to vile passions. For even their women exchanged the natural use for what is against nature. Likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust for one another, men with men committing what is shameful, and receiving in themselves the penalty of their error which was due.

And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a debased mind, to do those things which are not fitting; being filled with all unrighteousness, sexual immorality, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, evil-mindedness; they are whisperers, backbiters, haters of God, violent, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, undiscerning, untrustworthy, unloving, unforgiving, unmerciful; who, knowing the righteous judgment of God, that those who practice such things are deserving of death, not only do the same but also approve of those who practice them. 

Romans 1: 18 - 32

UPDATE:

If the verse from Hebrews is causing you some problems check out this resource from John Piper. If you are interested in more discussion of Satan's power vs. God's power read this.

Confession of Selfish Ambition

Early in my faith, I read and re-read passages of the New Testament that described the new man, or life in the Spirit (Galatians 5:16-26, Ephesians 4:17-32 etc). I would do the same with passages that described the carnal life (try Romans 1:29 – 31). And while reading these, I would anxiously try to fix the adjectives in my mind, so that knowing the goal, I could be sure to meet it. I needed to make my life like this in order to please God (and myself..).

The more I did this, the more anxious I became. Each day I was more convinced that this standard set for me was absolutely impossible.

I am definitely one who fears failure, and under normal circumstances, I can avoid failure by only pursuing goals that I’m fairly certain I will meet. I would rather save myself anxiety by leaving the failed thing forgotten then fight the hopelessness I experience when I fail. I choose to do things that I’m fairly certain I will succeed at. Getting back on the horse frightens me like no other.

So I resigned myself to being unrighteous. 
No success being righteous = no more attempts to be righteous = no more failure.

The problem, which I am thankful for, is that I couldn't get my desire to be righteous to go away. Thus ‘resigning myself to unrighteousness’ manifested itself in the form of sleep (in which I could forget that I couldn't achieve the one thing I wanted).

Notice that it was righteousness that I wanted – or my own success in it – no word of righteousness in Christ.

It’s like I was trying to protect my personal supply of hope. Since every failure depleted the supply, I thought not trying to be righteous would keep me from becoming hopeless. In reality, my personal supply of hope went M.I.A, and I ended up hopelessly unrighteous.

And so I slept more.  

Clearly there is an abundance of sin involved here. My self-reliance, to begin with (if I can’t do it, then I give up). My pride (I’m not going to keep trying just so I can keep failing). Fear. Anxiety. Selfish ambition. Lack of faith in general. All focus on me. No focus on Christ. And I wasn't acknowledging my failure to fight any of those sins.

The entire situation made me very much want to take up this defense: “I’m not under the law, I’m under grace, so I can sin and it’s already dealt with, forgiven, I don’t have to deal with it”.

Unfortunately I already knew the rebuttal. Thanks to Paul, as well as the people who managed to get this sinful before I did. And God, of course, for arranging it all. 

Paul: “Shall we sin because we are not under the law but under grace? Certainly not! Do you not know that to whom you present yourselves slaves to obey, you are the one’s slaves whom you obey, whether of sin leading to death, or of obedience leading to righteousness?” (Romans 6:15-16).

I have so misunderstood so many things in so many ways. Primarily, I am under grace in Christ. If I am not living and abiding in Christ, I am not living and abiding in His grace, and I am powerless against sin. What is more, by trying to be comfortable with sin rather than be present in Christ, I was presenting myself as a slave to sin. I was inviting sin to have dominion over me. And it did, quite thoroughly.

***

Some thoughts from Dietrich Bonhoeffer to add to the mix. 
For the thinkers who never stop.

Many of the errors I made regarding my own righteousness I also made regarding the righteousness of my fellow believers. 

The two seem to run quite parallel.

Bonhoeffer ‘On Christian Fellowship’

“Christian brotherhood (and the Christian life) is not an ideal that we realize; it is rather a reality created by God in Christ in which we participate. The serious Christian is very likely to bring with him a very definite idea of what Christian life together should be and try to realize it (that’s what I did exactly!!).  But God’s grace speedily shatters such dreams. Just as surely as God desires to lead us to a knowledge of genuine Christian fellowship, so surely must we be overwhelmed by great delusionment with other Christian’s in general, and, if we are fortunate, with ourselves... every human wish dream that is injected into the Christian community is a hindrance to genuine community and must be banished if genuine community is to survive. He who loves his dream of community (or his life!) more than the community itself becomes a destroyer of the latter, even though his personal intentions may be ever so honest and earnest and sacrificial. God hates visionary dreaming; it makes the dreamer proud and pretentious (happened to me, still does). The man who fashions a visionary ideal of community (or his life) demands that it be realized by God, by others, and by himself. He enters the community of Christians with his demands, sets up his own law, and judges the brethren and God Himself accordingly”.



OTHER LINKS YOU MIGHT LIKE:

Check this out. A thought-provoking discussion of striving vs. grace between Pastor Tullian Tchividjian (Billy Graham's grandson) and Jonathan Merritt.  

And check this out. Micah's experience has some overlap with my own, so maybe it does with yours too. 
Also check out his blog and amble over to it's popular posts (top right).