EXCITING

About 15 days ago I decided to leave this blog for dead. The decision to dispose of it was due to its association with some really icky sins and temptations. 

Icky = selfish-ambition to make something of myself by my writing.

Icky = writing with the desire to be noticed, appreciated and admired.

Icky = believing value is proportional to popularity.

Icky = being dishonest with myself in attempt to be something people want.

It's icky just writing those things. I feel like I got caught up very quickly in a rat-race of messed up motives. I'm still unsure about keeping this blog going... already I feel the icky coming back.

But right now,

I have something I want to say.

And don't have another medium at hand.

SO!

LAST NIGHT (or more accurately, early this morning) I HAD THE BIGGEST AND BESTEST ANSWER TO PRAYER THAT I HAVE HAD IN A LONG, LONG, LONG, LONG, LONG, LONG TIME.

My life. has been. an absolute mess.

I was very, very, very lost. 

very confused.

very unhappy.

very trapped.

AND I THINK THE BREAKTHROUGH HAS COME!

(I know, breakthroughs are really hard to believe in, I definitely wasn't believing that one could happen, but then this morning, I was like, remember God?, when breakthroughs used to happen?, I do, so, I mean, I know they can happen, and I really need one right now, and You know what?, I believe that You can make one happen, could You make it happen soon?, because I'm dying here).

AND THEN IT HAPPENED. 

But I didn't really realize it was happening.

My journals re: THE BREAKTHROUGH.

This is nearly too precious to behold. 

Somehow you caught my attention and turned me back to You, back to the Truth, back to faith.

As I was praying asking for help, something I thought led me to a memory of something I saw that day, something that I knew (in a gut-feeling sort of way) had the answer I needed. It was a bit blurry at first but I finally tracked it down to the Eric Ludy sermon that I had seen in my email inbox earlier.

And I suppose I wasn’t even that convinced that I needed to watch it, because I very nearly went back to watching Netflix, and I was also talking with Elyce on skype... but somehow when I got to the sermon page it just seemed like the easiest place to stay, and so I stayed there and watched it. Eventually I became so enraptured by the truth I was hearing that I had to stop talking to Elyce.

Ludy began talking about the great moral failure of a Christian man he much respected. And then he began his sermon to fight the thing that I think has been my problem – that it seems all strong Christian people are doomed to fail, that we are weak, and that we will eventually fall against the enemy. Ludy said something like, when he was younger, he had thought that if his failure in following Christ was inevitable, it wasn’t even worth trying.

This is what I’ve felt like when I’ve stayed in bed all day. That I will fail. That even if I love Christ in my mind, and even if I believe that He is my only hope of anything, if I go out and try to live for Him I will fail. Guaranteed. Because I have already. And I do over and over again. And I would just rather not try if that's the case. Because it's not worth it. So not having a desire to try, nor having the conviction to go after anything else, I stay in bed.

But Ludy said that he refuses to believe that we have to fail, and his faith is beginning to shed light for me.

What I need to do, in order not to fail, is to believe.

Believe completely. Commit to trusting my God in everything. REFUSE to listen to all the noise that is tempting me to think otherwise, but BELIEVE HIM. 

This has been my deepest problem. I keep failing to live for Christ because I am standing sideways, trying to be guided both by Him and by the world. I have not been trusting that Christ is all the Truth I need, but I have been considering everything the world says. I’ve been unwilling to appear narrow-minded (not turning fully to face my Master and putting my back to the world). I keep thinking that the world is saying something good. I have not been willing to admit that the world has nothing good to say to me. That the world is lost, is in sin, is without the Truth, is without wisdom, is without understanding. 

What I need to do, is to choose to believe God in every circumstance, no matter what the world says or the evidence that it hands me. I need to come to terms with the reality that I will appear as a fool. Like believing God’s Word, that Lazarus’ sickness would not end in death, while he lay dead for days.

I’ve spent countless journal entries discussing my confusion over what it is that I’m supposed to do with my life. Knowing, of course, that my life exists for the purpose of glorifying God but seeking some way, specific to me, to do this. Feeling that everything is pointless. Like there is nothing I can actually do.

But this is it. It’s this simple, yet the most difficult task that could ever be given a human. To believe His Word. 

That’s my work while I’m here in the flesh (and I’m SO excited because I’ve finally been given the light I need to BELIEVE this, this purpose satisfies my heart).

Believing in Him is what matters. And it is something I can tangibly choose to do, every moment of every day. And believing in Him IS what glorifies Him. It’s not the product of believing in Him that I am looking to or placing my hope in, these are peripheral. My life serves its purpose by unceasingly pointing to Him, by believing in Him. 

These are all truths clearly established in His Word, but I am finally seeing them now. 

Another grievance of my bed-hiding time has been that I felt it impossible to deny myself, yet knowing that life in Christ is only possible if I die to myself and He comes to live in me. I kept asking ‘how do I do that, how do I do that!?!?!?!?'

And I think the answer is by believing.

Because if I’m choosing to believe His Word, then I am by necessity putting myself to death. I’m refusing everything that the world offers me as life, and only being willing to take what He offers as life. I’m completely giving up any chance of having life or reputation in the world. I rely on Him for everything. 

What I’ve wanted so desperately, and what I’ve known myself to be lacking this entire time = faith.

Maybe what is finally making a difference now, what I finally see, is that I have to choose to believe despite everything that tells me not to. I have to make a decision to believe that is not to be held in limbo, being swayed by every opinion of the world, which I have been doing (friends, psychology, biographies).

It’s like I’ve been set free to believe that I can practice the faith that I thought I was supposed to practice, but gave up hope on. When I began believing, I remember thinking like Eric Ludy, that the promises in the bible were REAL promises, and then that we should ACTUALLY live by them. This seems like the most grievous of all problems with the Christian church in the world – that we don’t actually hold God to what He says. I want what He promises. To live victoriously in Him as He promises. It seems like the Christian’s of the world don’t believe in victory while in the flesh... and I have been lost to that lack of faith for a while. 

What we need to do is believe God despite everything. I’m not doing this justice with words. We need to not listen to anyone but God, and not believe anything but His Truth. We need to believe Him even when all evidence points against Him. We need to completely commit to Him as the Truth. 

Another thing that I realized, if not for the first time, than for the first time I remember – the task of reading Scripture isn’t just for the task of reading Scripture (also the task of praying isn’t just for the task of praying, and the task of abiding in Christ isn’t just for the task of abiding in Christ), ALL is for the task of BELIEVING. 

Why read God’s Word in the morning? To do the work of believing in Him.

Why pray? To do the work of believing in Him.

Why abide in Him? To do the work of believing in Him.

Believing in Him IS glorifying Him. 

Repent and BELIEVE.

This is the work that I am alive to do. Doing this will satisfy me. 

When I forgot how to do this, when I thought it was impossible to do this, I despaired of life. 

Reading back on journals, the times when I was fighting to believe are the times when I was joyful... fighting to believe is my greatest joy. 

This is beyond amazing. 

I was grasping SO hard for this understanding. I thought I would never find the thing that would make life worth living or that would give me something worth doing. I knew I needed a task but to ‘glorify God’ was so intangible and unknown. 

The fight to believe strings together my entire life. Everything I’ve ever done has been a part of this fight. All of the depressive times and the confusion have been from failing to believe. All of the joy and excitement and hope has been from believing. 

The key to my life- believing that Christ is My Saviour, that He has done all He has said He has done, that He is doing all that He says He is doing, and He will do all He says He will do. My life depends on believing Him and is for believing Him.

This life on earth, in this world, I was so confused about it. What the purpose of it is. Why does He leave us here in this world, and why has He made a world that is so lost. 

This I haven’t figured out enough to satisfy my analytic mind... but I think that joy and victory of faith is enough to make it worth staying here and fighting. To overcome the world by faith. To glorify Him by doing so. 

I’m not sure what will happen to faith when we end up in heaven... we will then truly know all that we have believed. But the situation here is perfect for believing.

So that's it!

CHECK OUT THE SERMON!

Guidance for people like me:

1. Don't be worried if none of this is mind-blowing to you... God blows different people's minds with different truths at different times for different reasons... trust that He will blow yours as is best for you. 

2. Humble yourself and learn to rejoice with your fellow believers as they are making wondrous discoveries that you have already made. 

3. Don't tie yourself up in knots with little theological errors or lacking in my reasoning. All human sources of truth will have flaws. Test the message and then allow what withstands your testing to encourage you. 

ALSO.

(in case you've forgotten).

Having your mind blown by God's glory is an excellent endeavor for the everyday. 

And an especially great way of doing this is by coming to know those who have believed Him.

So while your perusing all the exciting glory of God in Acts, and Hebrews, and 2 Kings (... and everywhere else in the bible, but not to overwhelm you....)

Also get yourself some good books about the following people:

Rees Howells

Hudson Taylor

William and Catherine Booth

David Wilkerson

Gladys Aylward

Amy Carmichael

C.T. Studd

John Knox

John Wesley

Edward Payson

John Hyde

David Brainerd

Jim and Elizabeth Elliot

Leonard Ravenhill

Richard Wurmbrand

Corrie Ten Boom

Andrew Murray

Jackie Pullinger

George Mueller

Charles Spurgeon

A.W. Tozer

E.M. Bounds

Paris Reidhead

Edward Payson

David Livingstone

D.L. Moody 

Esther Ahn Kim

Keith Green

List compiled from Eric Ludy's Sermons. 

Bolded are the ones whom I have come to know.

The rest I look forward to discovering in the future. 

Contact me with anything you might have to say!

Mental Illness and Jesus

I'm working on three online psychology courses right now, two of which are introductory and boring, but one of which is upper level and brimming with things I don't know. I'm just finishing up reading an in-depth chapter on Freudian theory and I can feel the desperation sizzling - to understand his theories in terms of the gospel of Jesus Christ. It's a glorious brain massage, comparable to the experience of musical euphoria brought on by the most delectable and magnetic of songs. Like this. Of course musical euphoria varies according to person, as well as mood and sound quality. COMMENT YOUR MUSICAL EUPHORIA I ADORE SUCH MUSICAL SHARING.

So I was reading about the case of Phineas Gage. The part of his brain that was pulverized by a rail road was extremely important to his ability to control and moderate his behaviour; aligning with Freud's theories, Gage lost his Ego (a theoretical area of the mind) that had previously inhibited the Id's impulses. He became a starkly different individual driven by his desires and oblivious to moral and societal restraints.

So it's clear, of course, that behaviour is intrinsically related to areas of the brain and the brain's chemical function. Let the mysteries of brain function explode your mind. So in this case, physical/chemical alteration of the brain causes a change in Gage's personality and thought. So brain is linked with identity. And I think it's clear that it works the other way around too - that change in identity/life experiences etc. can alter the brain's chemical make up. The standard nature vs. nurture stuff. Experiencing emotional or mental trauma produces physical responses in people like anxiety, depression, disorders like hoarding or kleptomania, and mental illnesses like multiple personality disorder. And of course the emotional and the chemical are inseparable. We can treat the chemical results of emotional trauma with our own chemicals manufactured in pharmacies worldwide.

So where is our identity if it is so intricately tied into biology? It appears as though we are products of biology. Yet being products of biology denies any stand-alone value of identity. How do we determine who we are? How do we determine what is right and wrong in regards to how we medicate (personality alteration caused by prozac and the like). 

What I think that I think:

There has to be a third element that gives clarity to the meaning of our identity and the biology that we inhabit. I think things are spiritual at their core. And I am currently willing to bet my life on the fact the spiritual trumps biological every time. 

I have particular issue with the use of medication for depression. I know Christian's hate it when they are told that taking medication for their depression is lacking faith in Jesus. The Christian supporters of Jamie's declaration of Jesus and Zoloft are innumerable.

I'm also destroying any credibility I might claim by saying that I think mental illnesses are spiritually-caused. I realize the response is "don't you dare try and tell me that (I, my mom, my daughter, my brother) has a demon/is being plagued by a demon". 

Quick and simple responses to these are not possible.

Yet to the first, I think that we are fighting a real battle against sin and the devil. And all the fighting we need to do is spiritual. If I'm actually going to claim to believe that Jesus was resurrected and that He has power over any kind of physical ailment, I need to believe that Jesus is also capable of freeing me from my depression. What if my depression is a really, really harsh and difficult battle to trust and believe God and fight the devil with faith? The psalms, to me, are ripe with very exact expressions of how I feel when I'm depressed, and the psalms fought those feelings by faith. I think that by hiding from the battle (taking medication) we are letting other priorities trump that of believing and knowing God. Whether that be the ability to carry on the semblance of a normal functioning life or to be able to hold onto the slightest feeling of control instead of becoming totally devastated and hopeless before God.

You may be thinking that medication is God's help. It's the lifeboat that He's sent which we are foolish to refuse. I disagree but can't prove myself right. Only re-iterate that I think God reigns over biology and that the mind is a different beast than the physical body. Anti-depression medication for the mind is not the same as insulin for the body. A sick mind is not the same as a sick body. We could debate this forever. I haven't thought about this as much as I probably should have before I wrote something about it... but simply that our identity is located in our minds, not our bodies, makes me willing to believe in the difference.

This then, leads to my belief that mental illness is spiritually-caused and needs to be spiritually healed. People may want to bang my head against the wall for believing that mental illnesses are caused by sin, evil and the devil. The book Darkness is my Only Companion by Kathyrn Greene-McCreight should be read and considered in this conversation (I need to re-read it). She is a Christian pastor taking various treatment for her bipolar disorder. I don't really want to argue with her because I think she has very wisely expressed her beliefs and choices. However, I think that mental illness, like depression, needs to be fought primarily on the spiritual front (by faith in Christ). 

I believe that sin is very harshly present in our lives even when we are believers. The devil has a hold on us which will never be fully broken until we are resurrected in Christ. While we are still living on the earth we have to continually and repeatedly run to Christ so that, abiding in Him, we can be freed from sin. We aren't able to fully abide in Him as long as we are still sinful, and so the products of sin and evil remain in our lives. 'Mental illness' I believe to be one of these, just as is hate and jealousy and selfishness. All of these are completely impossible for us to conquer and prey upon us even when we fiercely fight them. 

I think that the only true freedom from any biological ailment comes from Christ. And the item of critical importance is not being healed in this physical life, but making it to the eternal one. And helping other people get there. And the point of getting there is to abide in God, worship Him and glory in His perfection with Him.

So take the physical/mental ailments in a stride and keep fighting for faith in Christ. Fight the sin that our physical/mental corruption is evidence of by looking forward to the eternal things in Christ. You're life is not about you. You are not meant to be fighting for your health and happiness and safety. Fight for Christ. Don't be surprised if, though God can heal you, He lets you keep struggling and fighting. Now isn't the time for you to be perfect anyways (perfection comes later). Now is the time for fighting and for praying and for believing. The healing and peace you seek abides only in a place where sin is not present. Don't place your hopes in temporary healing, place your hopes in perfect eternal healing.  All that really matters is Christ. He is all you will have once this confusing and corrupted earthly life passes away. 

UPDATE: Please note that I'm still learning and my views on things are constantly being refined and changing. I usually function by taking a strong stance in one direction and then continually examining and altering it as I am convinced otherwise. I don't mean to impose my views on you, I'm just honestly saying where I'm at and what I'm believing right now. 

Pointlessness

Yesterday I stayed in bed all day again. 

I wake up most mornings of the opinion that life is meaningless and that there is nothing actually worth getting out of bed to do.

Before you argue, I appeal to Ecclesiastes to demonstrate that such thoughts are not necessarily melodramatic and nor are they simply evidence that my brain has been hijacked by a chemical imbalance.

“I hated life because the work that was done under the sun was distressing to me, for all is vanity and grasping for the wind” (Eccl 2:17).

I don’t really feel like explaining in detail why I think life is meaningless. Take a whiff of Ecclesiastes and maybe you will get it. Or play 'What's the Point' (start with anything you please and then keep asking yourself ‘what’s the point’ until you think you've struck meaning). I very rarely strike meaning. Here is a failed attempt at "What's the Point".

Hypothetical Parent Figure: You should get out of bed.

Me: What’s the point?

Hypothetical Parent Figure: Because it’s a beautiful day out.

Me: So I get up, stare at the beautiful day for like 12 hours, then go back to bed. What’s the point?

Hypothetical Parent Figure: Come on. Get up and we’ll go for a walk.

Me: Uh. What’s the point?

Hypothetical Parent Figure: You just need to get up and do something. When did you last work on your homework?

Me: What’s the point of doing anything?

Hypothetical Parent Figure: Just get up and have something to eat and some exercise and you will feel better.

Me: What’s the point of eating and exercising and feeling better?

Hypothetical Parent Figure: So you can live your life! So you can be happy and make people around you happy. Because we love you. (So we don’t have to stress out about you lying in bed all day). Because you have so much potential and you can’t waste it. Etc etc.

Me: ....what’s the point?

Okay so that was a bad example considering that I’m already way past the point of no return and there is next to nothing which you can say to which I will respond THAT’S THE POINT! Hopefully it will work better for you. And actually that entire scenario was more for comic relief and filler than anything. Also maybe to realize some pent up frustration.

So the only conclusion to "What's the Point" that I've found satisfaction with is that God actually exists and we are supposed to know about Him and love Him (and just because I think God is the only solution to ‘what’s the point’ doesn't mean I made Him up).

Therefore, in conclusion, whether or not I can get out of bed is dependent on whether or not I remember the only One who makes anything have any meaning for me.

The problem is often times I don’t want to remember Him. Sometimes I don’t even think I can remember Him. Other times I refuse to remember Him. And yet other times it just seems too hard to remember Him. Sometimes all I can think about is, despite the number of times I have remembered, how many times I've still forgotten.

But here’s the unavoidable: my life actually is pointless without God. I can’t get anything to stir up passion or excitement but God. Nothing is holistic enough or wise enough or permanent enough to be ‘purpose’ material but God. And I want God even when I don’t want God. Although this may currently appear to be to my detriment, I am unalterably convinced of this.

I am exhausted by and ashamed of my failures to trust God. I am discouraged by my own mess of a mind. I am glad that I am not dependent on me but dependent on God. Even if this blog post makes no logical sense and is bent towards desperately pessimistic tendencies, God testifies of Himself apart from the gibberish that my brain produces. His promises remain true even though I flounder about within them. His plan to magnify His love and wisdom and holiness goes unhindered by my inadequacy. And His grace remains mine despite everything.

Something that lets me know I'm not alone. And helps.

Check it out