Made possible by an abysmal memory.
I mean I have the same problems over and over again.
And I never recall what I learned the time before.
I spent most of today numbly discouraged that though I loved truth yesterday, today the memory of it wasn't even strong enough to get my bible opened up in front of me.
I stayed in bed all day.
Sleep numbed the discouragement of once again preferring selfishness and sin to God.
And, as per usual, trying again after having already failed was not even an option.
Obviously yesterday’s reflection didn't cause a miraculous change.
An optimistic perspective:
Continued failure = A continued reminder that I can’t depend on myself to do this.
Not my own learning.
Not my own desires.
The following is a not-so-old journal entry.
April 14th, 2013
Confession time: God I am so stupid. I am right back to being sinful again even after you gave me a week of such blessing. My thoughts are so inconsistent that I could never trust them. I am so thankful that you are so much bigger than I, that your truth is so incorruptible and you are so constant. I can do nothing but just believe that you will continually be there, be the same, and be loving me while I falter about. I've just got nothing good to offer. I've just got nothing in myself to be confident about. You might as well use me because I’m useless to anyone else, even myself. I don’t even have a passion, not even ambition enough to get myself out of bed in the morning. I am so weak I can do nothing other than cling to you. Please keep making me weaker. Keep making it so that I have nothing to offer people but you. Keep making it so that I have to desire only you because you are clearly the only One I have. Keep showing me my sin and making me repent. I am so sorry for the selfishness that so frequently overwhelms me. Sorry for the bitterness and entitlement that my heart somehow still produces. Sorry for the lack of rejoicing in you and the lack of trusting that comes when I get self-centered. Thank you for not abandoning me when I sin against you. Thank you for making me so at home with just you and you, that I am able to so gladly be alone with you.
Right now this truth is my hope:
Keep on confessing to Him.
Keep on hoping in Him.
That’s all I can handle right now.
