Why I Love the Downtown East Side

I really love the people of the Downtown East Side.

I run to them.

And I've been trying to figure out why.

I think it’s because nothing about them threatens me.

I'm not scared of drug addicts or their dealers, prostitutes or their pimps, the mentally ill, the thieves, the compulsive-liars, the violent, the murderers.

I think that's because the faith that comes easiest to me is trusting God with big things. The only reason that the people of the DTES might scare me is if I feared for my life. And I don't. 

And I've never been scared of strangers.

I actually adore strangers...

Who I am scared of are my peers. 

I run from them.

And I've been trying to figure out why. 

I think it’s because I feel threatened by them. 

I'm so frightened of them that sometimes I even fear them in stranger form (rare but it happens).

I have an on and off relationship with Facebook because it's full of peers who scare me.

The following scare me:

1. Peers who appear to be pretty.

2. Peers who appear to be self-confident.

3. Peers who appear to be happy.

4. Peers who appear to be well-liked (..popular).

And these people are even more frightening in real life than online.

The inferiority I feel in response to them is crippling. 

I see them.

But I don’t really know them.

So I can’t see any flaws or vulnerabilities.

They see me.

But they don’t really know me.

And I don’t think I have any perfection to show them.

So they just see flaws and vulnerabilities.

But they don’t understand them.

I don't want to be friends with them.

I want to forget about them.

I want to run from them.

It's been this way as long as I can remember.

And I've been trying to figure out why. 

I think it’s because I'm scared of them creating a ‘me’ that’s not me.

Strangers (God love'm) are great because:

1) They, by definition, have no understanding of me.

2) I neither expect, require nor desire for them to understand me. 

I like my people to fall into one of two categories; either they know me deeply, or they don't know me at all.

Peers make me feel uncomfortable and self-conscious and insecure because they know things about me but they don't actually know me. It makes me seriously frightened to have people thinking they know a 'me' that isn't actually me. I feel trapped in their perception of me. It feels like the real me is being suffocated, buried, deemed irrelevant. It seems like people don't actually realize that they don't know me. Or that they don't actually care to know me. 

I want to hide from people who assume they know who I am but who have never known or understood me. 

.... My brother has described having a similar feeling. That is, it makes him extremely uncomfortable when people who don't deeply know him make a verbal judgement or observation of him. It seems wrong to him that they should do that. 

All of this is the cause of a major problem.

It makes it impossible for me to love my peers. 

Don't be fooled into thinking I'm virtuous for loving the people of the DTES. It's easy for me to love them because they are strangers. I feel free to be myself with them. I feel free to be vulnerable with them. I feel free to be weak with them. I expect nothing from them. I don’t need to try and earn their love because it doesn't matter if they love me or not.

My affinity for the people of the DTES is primarily selfish.

Who I run to, and who I run from, is based on my desire to uphold and protect me. 

And I am so ashamed.

There is nothing present here other than self-love.

I love people who either love me (know me),

Or people who I don't need to love me (know me).

(I think being loved has a lot to do with being known).

I have loved me.

I have not loved people who don't love me.

Yet I think that in order to love Christ I must obey Him.

And in order to obey Christ I must love people who don't love me in return.

My fear of not being loved by you is keeping me from loving you. 

Forgive me.

I have not been able to love you because I have not believed that Christ's love is enough for me.

I have not believed that it is enough to have Him know me.

If I believed that, I would be able to love you without you truly knowing me.

I would be able to love you unconditionally. 

I would be able to love you like you need to be loved.

Yet I have joy because I believe that all this and more will be possible.

Because He is faithful to finish the work He has begun in me (Philippians 1:6).

Because He continues to teach and guide me (Psalm 32:8).

Because He promises His help, His strength and His victory (Isaiah 41:10).

Because His power is made perfect in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).

And, of course, His grace is sufficient for me (2 Corinthians 12:9). 

Therefore,

Having been justified by faith, 

I have peace with God 

through our Lord Jesus Christ, 

through whom also we have access by faith 

into this grace in which we stand (!!!!!!!)

and rejoice (!!!)

in hope (!!!!)

of the glory of God (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).

And not only that, 

J

but we also glory in tribulations, 

knowing that tribulation 

produces perseverance; 

and perseverance, 

character; 

and character, 

hope.

(WOOOHOOOOOOOOOO)

Now hope 

DOES NOT DISAPPOINT

(amazing stuff)

because the GREAT LOVE of God has been poured out into our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

Sincerely,

the much-read, much-true and much-wonderful Romans 5:1-5

Obsessive-Compulsive Knowledge Hoarder

Wow is blogging ever a world in itself.

It's finally happened with blogging, what happens with every other thing I learn. I get introduced to something new, I dabble around in shallow waters for a while, enjoying the quiet bliss of acquiring small yet significant new skills/concepts/successes. Then after enjoying the blissful feeling of progressing well, of having overcome newbie-dom and conquered some unknowns, I jump into waters in which I have no hope of ever plumbing their depth or breadth. 

I'm a chronic knowledge-seeker who feeds on the excitement of discovery and the sequential mastery of new understanding. The thrills of newbie blogging: inserting my first html code, photo shopping my first header design, learning about common blogger widgets such as nRelate and AddThis, understanding previously foreign blogging jargon. 

Then all of a sudden I land on someone's blog and realize that the knowledge, skills and experience necessary to create what they've created are vastly beyond me. I have no idea how most bloggers do even 1/100th of their blog formatting.

And then I panic and start trying to amass as much knowledge as I can for no other purpose then to amass knowledge. I mean I'm trying to add all these formats and widgets and whatever-else to my blog because someone else did it and I HAVE TO KNOW HOW.

Thankfully, this time sooner rather then later, I realized that I don't even want to put those things on my blog. I don't need those things on my blog. I am just an obsessive-compulsive knowledge hoarder.

I'm not sure why I have this unfailing, unconscious, tyrannical drive to know everything. It's potentially my greatest struggle to accept the fact that I can't know everything, or even get close to it. Some people, when I tell them I think I'm supposed to know everything, flippantly say "But you can't" like, because it's true, it should be simple for me to just say 'oh well' and move on with my life. But it's really not. Really. I go insane trying to figure everything out and mostly I would prefer to be insane than not to know. 

Most of the problems I have can be traced back to this tendency.

What do you think I can do about this?
What do you think the gospel has to say about it?

Mental Illness and Jesus

I'm working on three online psychology courses right now, two of which are introductory and boring, but one of which is upper level and brimming with things I don't know. I'm just finishing up reading an in-depth chapter on Freudian theory and I can feel the desperation sizzling - to understand his theories in terms of the gospel of Jesus Christ. It's a glorious brain massage, comparable to the experience of musical euphoria brought on by the most delectable and magnetic of songs. Like this. Of course musical euphoria varies according to person, as well as mood and sound quality. COMMENT YOUR MUSICAL EUPHORIA I ADORE SUCH MUSICAL SHARING.

So I was reading about the case of Phineas Gage. The part of his brain that was pulverized by a rail road was extremely important to his ability to control and moderate his behaviour; aligning with Freud's theories, Gage lost his Ego (a theoretical area of the mind) that had previously inhibited the Id's impulses. He became a starkly different individual driven by his desires and oblivious to moral and societal restraints.

So it's clear, of course, that behaviour is intrinsically related to areas of the brain and the brain's chemical function. Let the mysteries of brain function explode your mind. So in this case, physical/chemical alteration of the brain causes a change in Gage's personality and thought. So brain is linked with identity. And I think it's clear that it works the other way around too - that change in identity/life experiences etc. can alter the brain's chemical make up. The standard nature vs. nurture stuff. Experiencing emotional or mental trauma produces physical responses in people like anxiety, depression, disorders like hoarding or kleptomania, and mental illnesses like multiple personality disorder. And of course the emotional and the chemical are inseparable. We can treat the chemical results of emotional trauma with our own chemicals manufactured in pharmacies worldwide.

So where is our identity if it is so intricately tied into biology? It appears as though we are products of biology. Yet being products of biology denies any stand-alone value of identity. How do we determine who we are? How do we determine what is right and wrong in regards to how we medicate (personality alteration caused by prozac and the like). 

What I think that I think:

There has to be a third element that gives clarity to the meaning of our identity and the biology that we inhabit. I think things are spiritual at their core. And I am currently willing to bet my life on the fact the spiritual trumps biological every time. 

I have particular issue with the use of medication for depression. I know Christian's hate it when they are told that taking medication for their depression is lacking faith in Jesus. The Christian supporters of Jamie's declaration of Jesus and Zoloft are innumerable.

I'm also destroying any credibility I might claim by saying that I think mental illnesses are spiritually-caused. I realize the response is "don't you dare try and tell me that (I, my mom, my daughter, my brother) has a demon/is being plagued by a demon". 

Quick and simple responses to these are not possible.

Yet to the first, I think that we are fighting a real battle against sin and the devil. And all the fighting we need to do is spiritual. If I'm actually going to claim to believe that Jesus was resurrected and that He has power over any kind of physical ailment, I need to believe that Jesus is also capable of freeing me from my depression. What if my depression is a really, really harsh and difficult battle to trust and believe God and fight the devil with faith? The psalms, to me, are ripe with very exact expressions of how I feel when I'm depressed, and the psalms fought those feelings by faith. I think that by hiding from the battle (taking medication) we are letting other priorities trump that of believing and knowing God. Whether that be the ability to carry on the semblance of a normal functioning life or to be able to hold onto the slightest feeling of control instead of becoming totally devastated and hopeless before God.

You may be thinking that medication is God's help. It's the lifeboat that He's sent which we are foolish to refuse. I disagree but can't prove myself right. Only re-iterate that I think God reigns over biology and that the mind is a different beast than the physical body. Anti-depression medication for the mind is not the same as insulin for the body. A sick mind is not the same as a sick body. We could debate this forever. I haven't thought about this as much as I probably should have before I wrote something about it... but simply that our identity is located in our minds, not our bodies, makes me willing to believe in the difference.

This then, leads to my belief that mental illness is spiritually-caused and needs to be spiritually healed. People may want to bang my head against the wall for believing that mental illnesses are caused by sin, evil and the devil. The book Darkness is my Only Companion by Kathyrn Greene-McCreight should be read and considered in this conversation (I need to re-read it). She is a Christian pastor taking various treatment for her bipolar disorder. I don't really want to argue with her because I think she has very wisely expressed her beliefs and choices. However, I think that mental illness, like depression, needs to be fought primarily on the spiritual front (by faith in Christ). 

I believe that sin is very harshly present in our lives even when we are believers. The devil has a hold on us which will never be fully broken until we are resurrected in Christ. While we are still living on the earth we have to continually and repeatedly run to Christ so that, abiding in Him, we can be freed from sin. We aren't able to fully abide in Him as long as we are still sinful, and so the products of sin and evil remain in our lives. 'Mental illness' I believe to be one of these, just as is hate and jealousy and selfishness. All of these are completely impossible for us to conquer and prey upon us even when we fiercely fight them. 

I think that the only true freedom from any biological ailment comes from Christ. And the item of critical importance is not being healed in this physical life, but making it to the eternal one. And helping other people get there. And the point of getting there is to abide in God, worship Him and glory in His perfection with Him.

So take the physical/mental ailments in a stride and keep fighting for faith in Christ. Fight the sin that our physical/mental corruption is evidence of by looking forward to the eternal things in Christ. You're life is not about you. You are not meant to be fighting for your health and happiness and safety. Fight for Christ. Don't be surprised if, though God can heal you, He lets you keep struggling and fighting. Now isn't the time for you to be perfect anyways (perfection comes later). Now is the time for fighting and for praying and for believing. The healing and peace you seek abides only in a place where sin is not present. Don't place your hopes in temporary healing, place your hopes in perfect eternal healing.  All that really matters is Christ. He is all you will have once this confusing and corrupted earthly life passes away. 

UPDATE: Please note that I'm still learning and my views on things are constantly being refined and changing. I usually function by taking a strong stance in one direction and then continually examining and altering it as I am convinced otherwise. I don't mean to impose my views on you, I'm just honestly saying where I'm at and what I'm believing right now. 

I Give You MUSIC

I wrote this a month-ish ago. 

Everyday I kill my dreams

Because I don't believe in me.

Not in my voice or my body.

My ambition or my ability.

One person can tell me not to bother.

And I'll believe them.

One look can kill my hopes.

Even the strongest encouragement can't compare.

I don't believe in me.

Here's the litany that buries me

I can't be

Creative or unique enough for the world to want to see.

I can't stick to an idea long enough 

To give it possibility

I fail once and I'm done

Preferring to leave the dream unsung

Then watch it fail again.

There's nothing powerful enough to make me finish a song

Because I know that

Success is empty.

It's all empty.

Nothing I can achieve

Will make me

Happy

Then I recorded this today.

Whaddaya say we look at what I just said, and we scrap it, you know?

You see, well, I only get like that when I stop believing in God. 

You see my hope isn’t actually in me.

It’s not actually in me. 

It’s in... God.

And I, well I, when I stop believing. 

When I start looking at myself and trying to find purpose in myself. 

Um it’s easier to talk when I have an accent 

because then it doesn't sound like me 

and then I don’t have to credit it to myself. 

You see.

I don’t believe in me.

And, that’s the way it’s supposed to be.

Cause I don’t have the strength or the love 

to do anything worth dreaming of.

I was made to know and worship the Perfect One. 

So all the dreams with myself involved are too small.

Too small to get me goin'.

What gets me goin' is when I believe 

And I think that God is capable of anything. 

And that in heaven there will be perfect love 

and perfect joy 

and perfect hope. 

That’s pretty cool I think.

Um I have nothing else to say.

Except for, I need God. 

And it’s only when I spend time in Him that I’m okay.

And that He is the source of my life .

And that when I reject Him things just go downhill.

Van Gogh

Yesterday I was studying Freud and leaning a bit about talk therapy, how the catharsis of speaking their thoughts can free people from the symptoms of their mental illness, specifically schizophrenia. I'm not sure what I think about that yet. I mean I definitely think that it 'works' (re: the memoir of Elyn Saks and her talk therapy). But why does it relieve the symptoms and what are the source of the symptoms. I have my ideas but they will stay in my brain for now.

A lot of the time I spend thinking is aimed at trying to fit worldly realities and biblical truth together. 

Today I was reading about Vincent van Gogh and his life. I didn't know much about it. His father was a minister in the Dutch Reformed Church. Van Gogh was significantly committed to the gospel for much of his life (he only lived until 37). He studied theology some and lived as a missionary for a period. He was trying to preach the gospel. As he began to take his own artwork very seriously he considered major works of art to be leading people to God. 

Van Gogh reportedly abandoned any faith in God when a theologian who he had respected and trusted refused to let him marry his daughter. The daughter also refused to marry Van Gogh. Most likely the refusals were based upon Van Goghs extreme mental instability which was well present by that time. 

Van Gogh was likely bipolar, possibly schizophrenic, and suffered from a variety of health problems. He did drastic, violent things such as cutting off part of his ear. He saw hallucinations and experienced very strong depressive and manic episodes. He died from a gunshot wound in his chest. Suicide is the largely accepted theory but some argue otherwise.

I think his life is absolutely fascinating. Before he died (he didn't die immediately from his gunshot wound), his brother reported that his last words were "the sadness will last forever". 

I'm hesitant to share what I'm thinking about all this because the majority of people would call it absolute lunacy and probably write me off as a very poorly misguided, intolerant and crazy extremist. Ack. Here goes anyways.

I think the course of Van Gogh's life reflects a life without God. I think it was sinfulness and temptation that lead him away from God, and sinfulness and temptation that destroyed him. I think that after rejecting God he became utterly lost and there was no hope for him. I think he was buffeted on every side by the devil, against whom Van Gogh had no defense after he refused the Savior he once believed in. The angst and confusion and pain of his life is even more amplified than that of most because he once knew hope and truth.

For if, after they have escaped the pollutions of the world through the knowledge of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, they are again entangled in them and overcome, the latter end is worse for them than the beginning. For it would have been better for them not to have known the way of righteousness, than having known it, to turn from the holy commandment delivered to them. But it has happened to them according to the true proverb: “A dog returns to his own vomit,” and, “a sow, having washed, to her wallowing in the mire.”

2 Peter 2:20-22

Van Gogh's life also makes me think about the following verse:

For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened, and have tasted the heavenly gift, and have become partakers of the Holy Spirit, and have tasted the good word of God and the powers of the age to come, if they fall away, to renew them again to repentance, since they crucify again for themselves the Son of God, and put Him to an open shame.
Hebrews 6:4-6

I think that the devil is real and that he messes with me everyday. I think that he eggs me on in my own sinfulness to refuse Christ and seek my meaning and value in the world. I think that he is involved and happy whenever I sin - when I hate, when I lust, when I desire my own recognition and success, when I take pride in my own rightness, when I stop believing that Jesus is real and true. I think he is constantly trying to remove me from the only one who I need.

I continually fail to acknowledge the power that the devil has and is daily using to bring me to my destruction. But more significantly, usually when I am failing to acknowledge the devils supernatural involvement in my life I am also failing to acknowledge God's supernatural power in my life. 

I need to believe God's supernatural power in order to survive. I am hopelessly sinful and when I don't believe God I have no defense against my own sinfulness. Jesus is my only hope of being free from my own sin. I need to pray and repent and beg for help and depend on God when I sin. It doesn't work when I try to fight my sin on my own. And against all the things that hurt me and confuse me I must wield a faith that trusts Jesus with my life and frees me to love Him more than myself. 

I really don't enjoy believing things that people I know and respect disagree with. Even things they think are ridiculous. But at some point I'm just going to have to suck it up and be okay with the fact that when I say what I believe people are going to think I'm foolish. And I need to stop not saying what I believe because I want to control what people think of me. If people could read my thoughts I would never have this problem.

"For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who suppress the truth in unrighteousness, because what may be known of God is manifest in them, for God has shown it to them. For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse, because, although they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish hearts were darkened. Professing to be wise, they became fools, and changed the glory of the incorruptible God into an image made like corruptible man—and birds and four-footed animals and creeping things.

Therefore God also gave them up to uncleanness, in the lusts of their hearts, to dishonor their bodies among themselves, who exchanged the truth of God for the lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever. Amen.

For this reason God gave them up to vile passions. For even their women exchanged the natural use for what is against nature. Likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust for one another, men with men committing what is shameful, and receiving in themselves the penalty of their error which was due.

And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a debased mind, to do those things which are not fitting; being filled with all unrighteousness, sexual immorality, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, evil-mindedness; they are whisperers, backbiters, haters of God, violent, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, undiscerning, untrustworthy, unloving, unforgiving, unmerciful; who, knowing the righteous judgment of God, that those who practice such things are deserving of death, not only do the same but also approve of those who practice them. 

Romans 1: 18 - 32

UPDATE:

If the verse from Hebrews is causing you some problems check out this resource from John Piper. If you are interested in more discussion of Satan's power vs. God's power read this.

Food for the Inner Man

Some wisdom from George Mueller which I plan to act upon: Food for the Inner Man


To entice you:

"I saw more clearly than ever, that the first great and primary business to which I ought to attend every day, to have MY SOUL HAPPY IN THE LORD... As the outward man is not fit for work for any length of time, except we take food, and as this is one of the first things we do in the morning, so it should be with the inner man. We should take food for that, as every one must allow. Now what is the food for the inner man: not prayer, but the Word of God: and here again not the simple reading of the Word of God, so that it only passes through our minds, just as water runs through a pipe, but considering what we read, pondering over it, and applying it to our hearts."

Thanksgiving....

A couple of minutes ago I thought I had a perfect idea. I say perfect because perfect ideas settle in my mind with absolute, joyous perfection immediately as they are first thought. The idea was to blog a list of things I'm thankful for. Then I realized it is thanksgiving today. Inspired perfection turned dreadful cliche. After recovering from the disappointment I decided to go ahead with the idea anyways.

I normally stop myself short when I start thinking of the things I'm thankful for because, like happiness, I have this unacknowledged apprehension that once I acknowledge it, it will disappear. Or that I’m not supposed to be thankful/happy. I have no idea why I think that. A lie that I’ve believed. To be attacked with truth.

So you shall rejoice in every good thing which the Lord your God has given to you and your house, you and the Levite and the stranger who is among you (Deut 26:11).

Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice! (Philippians 4:4)

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18). 

THUS
God, thanks for freeing me to be thankful by letting me see and believe truth. Though I most often don’t acknowledge it, a lot of things do make me very glad. And I have You to thank for them. Here are some of them! (Not in any order).

1. Space Oddity by David Bowie
2. The way pianos and guitars can be played without any skill and still sound absolute gorgeous.
3. The way they sound gorgeous beyond comprehension when they are played with skill.
4. 8tracks.
5. Delicious smells that carry vivid memories and strong emotion.
6. That I don’t need to worry about anything, and actually am not supposed to.
7. That you've put people in my life who really do care about me and understand me.

8. The human capability of singing.

9. How sunshine produces astounding colour.

10. SWIMMING IN RIVERS AND LAKES.

11. Boats.

12. When I really imagined and loved heaven for the first time two nights ago.

13. When I pray and then I remember that I totally love You.

14. People who guide and encourage me.

15. how time passing makes me full of awe, seeing the change in the world, myself and others and seeing things that never change.

16. Food that tastes delicious and treats my body wonderfully.

17. Enjoying things in moderation.

18. Hope that isn't at all related to what I do with my life; that I can't mess up.

19. Confusion and struggle and angst that make my life interesting and teach me things I could never learn otherwise. 

20. The promise that I will abide with God in His perfect love, joy, wisdom and peace.