EXCITING

About 15 days ago I decided to leave this blog for dead. The decision to dispose of it was due to its association with some really icky sins and temptations. 

Icky = selfish-ambition to make something of myself by my writing.

Icky = writing with the desire to be noticed, appreciated and admired.

Icky = believing value is proportional to popularity.

Icky = being dishonest with myself in attempt to be something people want.

It's icky just writing those things. I feel like I got caught up very quickly in a rat-race of messed up motives. I'm still unsure about keeping this blog going... already I feel the icky coming back.

But right now,

I have something I want to say.

And don't have another medium at hand.

SO!

LAST NIGHT (or more accurately, early this morning) I HAD THE BIGGEST AND BESTEST ANSWER TO PRAYER THAT I HAVE HAD IN A LONG, LONG, LONG, LONG, LONG, LONG TIME.

My life. has been. an absolute mess.

I was very, very, very lost. 

very confused.

very unhappy.

very trapped.

AND I THINK THE BREAKTHROUGH HAS COME!

(I know, breakthroughs are really hard to believe in, I definitely wasn't believing that one could happen, but then this morning, I was like, remember God?, when breakthroughs used to happen?, I do, so, I mean, I know they can happen, and I really need one right now, and You know what?, I believe that You can make one happen, could You make it happen soon?, because I'm dying here).

AND THEN IT HAPPENED. 

But I didn't really realize it was happening.

My journals re: THE BREAKTHROUGH.

This is nearly too precious to behold. 

Somehow you caught my attention and turned me back to You, back to the Truth, back to faith.

As I was praying asking for help, something I thought led me to a memory of something I saw that day, something that I knew (in a gut-feeling sort of way) had the answer I needed. It was a bit blurry at first but I finally tracked it down to the Eric Ludy sermon that I had seen in my email inbox earlier.

And I suppose I wasn’t even that convinced that I needed to watch it, because I very nearly went back to watching Netflix, and I was also talking with Elyce on skype... but somehow when I got to the sermon page it just seemed like the easiest place to stay, and so I stayed there and watched it. Eventually I became so enraptured by the truth I was hearing that I had to stop talking to Elyce.

Ludy began talking about the great moral failure of a Christian man he much respected. And then he began his sermon to fight the thing that I think has been my problem – that it seems all strong Christian people are doomed to fail, that we are weak, and that we will eventually fall against the enemy. Ludy said something like, when he was younger, he had thought that if his failure in following Christ was inevitable, it wasn’t even worth trying.

This is what I’ve felt like when I’ve stayed in bed all day. That I will fail. That even if I love Christ in my mind, and even if I believe that He is my only hope of anything, if I go out and try to live for Him I will fail. Guaranteed. Because I have already. And I do over and over again. And I would just rather not try if that's the case. Because it's not worth it. So not having a desire to try, nor having the conviction to go after anything else, I stay in bed.

But Ludy said that he refuses to believe that we have to fail, and his faith is beginning to shed light for me.

What I need to do, in order not to fail, is to believe.

Believe completely. Commit to trusting my God in everything. REFUSE to listen to all the noise that is tempting me to think otherwise, but BELIEVE HIM. 

This has been my deepest problem. I keep failing to live for Christ because I am standing sideways, trying to be guided both by Him and by the world. I have not been trusting that Christ is all the Truth I need, but I have been considering everything the world says. I’ve been unwilling to appear narrow-minded (not turning fully to face my Master and putting my back to the world). I keep thinking that the world is saying something good. I have not been willing to admit that the world has nothing good to say to me. That the world is lost, is in sin, is without the Truth, is without wisdom, is without understanding. 

What I need to do, is to choose to believe God in every circumstance, no matter what the world says or the evidence that it hands me. I need to come to terms with the reality that I will appear as a fool. Like believing God’s Word, that Lazarus’ sickness would not end in death, while he lay dead for days.

I’ve spent countless journal entries discussing my confusion over what it is that I’m supposed to do with my life. Knowing, of course, that my life exists for the purpose of glorifying God but seeking some way, specific to me, to do this. Feeling that everything is pointless. Like there is nothing I can actually do.

But this is it. It’s this simple, yet the most difficult task that could ever be given a human. To believe His Word. 

That’s my work while I’m here in the flesh (and I’m SO excited because I’ve finally been given the light I need to BELIEVE this, this purpose satisfies my heart).

Believing in Him is what matters. And it is something I can tangibly choose to do, every moment of every day. And believing in Him IS what glorifies Him. It’s not the product of believing in Him that I am looking to or placing my hope in, these are peripheral. My life serves its purpose by unceasingly pointing to Him, by believing in Him. 

These are all truths clearly established in His Word, but I am finally seeing them now. 

Another grievance of my bed-hiding time has been that I felt it impossible to deny myself, yet knowing that life in Christ is only possible if I die to myself and He comes to live in me. I kept asking ‘how do I do that, how do I do that!?!?!?!?'

And I think the answer is by believing.

Because if I’m choosing to believe His Word, then I am by necessity putting myself to death. I’m refusing everything that the world offers me as life, and only being willing to take what He offers as life. I’m completely giving up any chance of having life or reputation in the world. I rely on Him for everything. 

What I’ve wanted so desperately, and what I’ve known myself to be lacking this entire time = faith.

Maybe what is finally making a difference now, what I finally see, is that I have to choose to believe despite everything that tells me not to. I have to make a decision to believe that is not to be held in limbo, being swayed by every opinion of the world, which I have been doing (friends, psychology, biographies).

It’s like I’ve been set free to believe that I can practice the faith that I thought I was supposed to practice, but gave up hope on. When I began believing, I remember thinking like Eric Ludy, that the promises in the bible were REAL promises, and then that we should ACTUALLY live by them. This seems like the most grievous of all problems with the Christian church in the world – that we don’t actually hold God to what He says. I want what He promises. To live victoriously in Him as He promises. It seems like the Christian’s of the world don’t believe in victory while in the flesh... and I have been lost to that lack of faith for a while. 

What we need to do is believe God despite everything. I’m not doing this justice with words. We need to not listen to anyone but God, and not believe anything but His Truth. We need to believe Him even when all evidence points against Him. We need to completely commit to Him as the Truth. 

Another thing that I realized, if not for the first time, than for the first time I remember – the task of reading Scripture isn’t just for the task of reading Scripture (also the task of praying isn’t just for the task of praying, and the task of abiding in Christ isn’t just for the task of abiding in Christ), ALL is for the task of BELIEVING. 

Why read God’s Word in the morning? To do the work of believing in Him.

Why pray? To do the work of believing in Him.

Why abide in Him? To do the work of believing in Him.

Believing in Him IS glorifying Him. 

Repent and BELIEVE.

This is the work that I am alive to do. Doing this will satisfy me. 

When I forgot how to do this, when I thought it was impossible to do this, I despaired of life. 

Reading back on journals, the times when I was fighting to believe are the times when I was joyful... fighting to believe is my greatest joy. 

This is beyond amazing. 

I was grasping SO hard for this understanding. I thought I would never find the thing that would make life worth living or that would give me something worth doing. I knew I needed a task but to ‘glorify God’ was so intangible and unknown. 

The fight to believe strings together my entire life. Everything I’ve ever done has been a part of this fight. All of the depressive times and the confusion have been from failing to believe. All of the joy and excitement and hope has been from believing. 

The key to my life- believing that Christ is My Saviour, that He has done all He has said He has done, that He is doing all that He says He is doing, and He will do all He says He will do. My life depends on believing Him and is for believing Him.

This life on earth, in this world, I was so confused about it. What the purpose of it is. Why does He leave us here in this world, and why has He made a world that is so lost. 

This I haven’t figured out enough to satisfy my analytic mind... but I think that joy and victory of faith is enough to make it worth staying here and fighting. To overcome the world by faith. To glorify Him by doing so. 

I’m not sure what will happen to faith when we end up in heaven... we will then truly know all that we have believed. But the situation here is perfect for believing.

So that's it!

CHECK OUT THE SERMON!

Guidance for people like me:

1. Don't be worried if none of this is mind-blowing to you... God blows different people's minds with different truths at different times for different reasons... trust that He will blow yours as is best for you. 

2. Humble yourself and learn to rejoice with your fellow believers as they are making wondrous discoveries that you have already made. 

3. Don't tie yourself up in knots with little theological errors or lacking in my reasoning. All human sources of truth will have flaws. Test the message and then allow what withstands your testing to encourage you. 

ALSO.

(in case you've forgotten).

Having your mind blown by God's glory is an excellent endeavor for the everyday. 

And an especially great way of doing this is by coming to know those who have believed Him.

So while your perusing all the exciting glory of God in Acts, and Hebrews, and 2 Kings (... and everywhere else in the bible, but not to overwhelm you....)

Also get yourself some good books about the following people:

Rees Howells

Hudson Taylor

William and Catherine Booth

David Wilkerson

Gladys Aylward

Amy Carmichael

C.T. Studd

John Knox

John Wesley

Edward Payson

John Hyde

David Brainerd

Jim and Elizabeth Elliot

Leonard Ravenhill

Richard Wurmbrand

Corrie Ten Boom

Andrew Murray

Jackie Pullinger

George Mueller

Charles Spurgeon

A.W. Tozer

E.M. Bounds

Paris Reidhead

Edward Payson

David Livingstone

D.L. Moody 

Esther Ahn Kim

Keith Green

List compiled from Eric Ludy's Sermons. 

Bolded are the ones whom I have come to know.

The rest I look forward to discovering in the future. 

Contact me with anything you might have to say!

Medicating our Personalities: A Research/Opinion Paper

Wrote this for a second year philosophy course (contemporary ethical issues). Probably like the most interesting paper I ever wrote. Check out the works cited for interesting sources. Also, plagiarism is bad. 

Medicating our Personalities: A Reflection on Antidepressants

With advancements in the pharmaceutical field, medically prescribed drugs now exist which can alter a person’s personality towards societal ideals. The availability of such drugs raises numerous moral tensions, primarily, if personalities can be biologically manufactured, is it moral for patients and psychiatrists to manufacture them? In order to agree upon the ethical use of these drugs a definition of the human personality is required. To what extent, for example, can certain behaviours be labelled as illness and therefore medically correctable? At the very root of the issue is whether the human personality is defined as a product of nature or nurture, or more complexly as a combination of the two. Should personalities be protected in their raw form because they have deep and undiscoverable meaning or are they a biological concoction which medicine can perfect? Where is the line between medically treating an illness such as depression or a character flaw such as social anxiety? Should it be permissible for entire societies to take drugs which seemingly increase personal happiness and ability to function in a culturally-perceived normalcy? The debate ultimately hangs on the question of who we are as human personalities and where we plot ourselves on the line between creatures of biology and creatures of deeper meaning. This paper, acknowledging the firm evidence that we are indeed creatures of biology, argues that we are foremost creatures of meaning that is intrinsic and invisible within biology. The following offers a discussion of relating viewpoints on the issue and suggests means of practicing the viewpoint of deeper meaning both socially and personally. Nevertheless, recognizing the limitless variety of personal opinions on the topic, the most basic purpose of this paper is to inform and empower readers with both knowledge and hope so that they may critically develop their own opinion and then choose to live according to their moral belief. 

The Conversation on Personality-Altering Drugs 

The conversation on personality-altering drugs in this paper will be limited to those which are currently in use for both depression and manic-depressive illness. The most infamous of these is Prozac, a drug which in some patients causes a very dramatic transformation of personality from depressive to extremely confident. Antidepressants are now a common household drug within Western society and had been comfortably received until the advent of Prozac and its like. The questions which need to be asked address the past, present and future: have we already begun altering personalities with antidepressants, have we already medicated past the point of knowing what is illness and what is not, and will we continue to develop and use medications that are not strictly for illness? 

At this point it is necessary to introduce the most extreme opposing opinions in this debate. The first, being primarily held within the medical field (psychiatrists, doctors) supports and encourages the prescription of any drug which increases the quality of life. Science proves, after all, that we are biological beings. One study of a depressive patient on Prozac reports that “if her self-destructiveness with men and her fragility at work disappeared in response to a biological treatment, they must have been biologically encoded” (Kramer, 2002, p. 650). Since all distinct character traits, positive or negative, are a product of biology than humans themselves are simply biology that can be altered. This reasoning, of course, leads to serious philosophical concerns on the uniqueness, purpose and value of the individual human life. Consequently, at the other extreme of the issue are those who condemn the use of any mentally-related drug. They do so on the conviction that the human personality is made up of meanings and experiences, more than simply biological, and is therefore too complex and sacred to be biologically tampered with:

“When I became ill, my sister was adamant that I should not take lithium and was disgusted that I did... she made it clear that she thought I should “weather it through” my depressions and manias, and that my soul would wither if I chose to dampen the intensity and pain of my experiences using medication...my personality, she said, had dried up, the fire was going out, and I was but a shell of my former self” (Jamison, 1995, p. 99). 

Opinions similar to this are particularly rampant within naturalist and religious circles. Yet, in reality, most people accept the use of antidepressants as a moral treatment of an otherwise fatal mental illness. The debate over these drugs cannot be made as simple as the two-opposing sides. 

The tensions between these two arguments are best illustrated within the lives of those who must decide, in their own life, whether or not to take the medically prescribed drugs. The moral dilemmas begin at the most basic level of differentiating between personality and illness. Kay Redfield Jamison, a woman of substantial knowledge and experience as both a psychiatrist and a victim of manic-depressive disorder, has seen through experience that “like so many people who get depressed, we felt our depressions were more complicated and existentially based than they actually were” (Jamison, 1995, p. 54). At one point she “genuinely believed that I ought to be able to handle whatever difficulties came my way without having to rely upon crutches of medication” (Jamison, 1995, p. 99). However the life-threatening highs and lows of manic-depressive disorder convinced her that it was necessary for her to take her medication: “At this point in my existence, I cannot imagine leading a normal life without both taking lithium and having had the benefits of psychotherapy” (Jamison, 1995, p. 88). She seems to be a clear example that, although medication does alter personality, “losing... energy, vivacity, and originality by taking medication” is preferable to “how costly, damaging and life threatening” her manic-depressive illness was (Jamison, 1995, p. 88). Her medication is how she survives. However, in her book Touched with Fire (1993) she seems to argue that manic-depressive illness is an indispensable element of uniquely artistic personalities. She highlights the link between artistic and creative genius in individuals like Emily Dickinson, Victor Hugo, Charles Dickens, Vincent van Gogh and Hugo Wolf - individuals whose personalities were defined by their manic-depressive disorders and whose accomplishments would not have been possible on medication. 

The complexity of drugs which affect the mind and personality is becoming increasingly more difficult as the effects of drugs are unpredictable and can actually transform people from one personality to another. Since drugs are more readily available, they also seem to be becoming more easily prescribed. Psychiatrist Peter Kramer’s study on his patient Tess and her transformation due to Prozac is perhaps frightening evidence of this. Past the point of healing Tess from depression, Kramer continues to provide Prozac to free Tess from hindrances that seem to be obviously an element of personality rather than mental illness:

“Here was the dilemma for me. Ought I to provide medication for someone who was not depressed... I assumed I would be medicating Tess’ chronic condition, call it what you will: heightened awareness to the needs of others, sensitivity to conflict, residual damage to self-esteem – all odd indications for medication... Who was I to withhold the bounties of science” (Kramer, 2002, p. 646). 

Kramer has documented the transformation of Tess’ personality by Prozac from low to high self-esteem, from shy to outgoing, from fearful to confident (Kramer, 2002, p. 644). He also notes that “she was not longer drawn to tragedy, nor did she feel heightened responsibility for the injured” (Kramer, 2002, p. 645). On Prozac Tess’ life became one of social success and personal happiness that is society’s advertised ideal. As a result of the drug, Tess regarded her character flaws as separate from her identity and defined her real identity as the high gained by Prozac (Kramer, 2002, p. 651). As Kramer witnesses the new lightness of Tess’ personality he recognizes what Jamison did in her study of manic-depressive disorder: as a result of personality-altering drugs “might we not, in a culture where over seriousness is a medically correctable flaw, lose our taste for the many melancholic or brooding artists (Kramer, 2002, p. 651). He realizes, as well, that our very concept of self is at stake if we can biologically define and alter ourselves. 

It is essential that antidepressants are studied and criticised as a moral issue because they threaten humanity’s definition and value of self. Simply on a philosophical level, they present an extremely burdensome challenge to solidify an understanding of self in the range of biological to existential meanings. As if resolving this were not impossible enough, there are also the practical implications of personality-altering antidepressants that need to be taken into account. Is it moral for society to create personalities that match its culturally-perceived ideals, and if so might this be the end of society, with individuality and diversity lost? Surely a division between those who can and cannot afford personality-altering drugs will develop, and then will we create a segregation of society too far of the moral path to ever repair? At the most basic level, will human life lose its meaning, lose love and selflessness, as we all strive for the ideal self? 

A Socio-Political Response to Personality-Altering Drugs 

Idealistically, if society were able to recognize a true definition of personality and its source, then a set of criteria and laws could be agreed upon which ethically regulate the prescription and use of personality-altering drugs. The nature of the human personality is, however, so disagreed upon and intangible that a true consensus is impossible. Therefore, for those whose morals disagree with the developing usage of personality-altering drugs, counter-pressures within the political domain will be difficult to apply. Since the issue of personality is very opinion-based, one cannot enforce their opinion on others in the form of a law or regulation. It seems, rather, that the best action to be had within the political domain is a continuing protection of the freedom of opinion and choice so that one may still express their moral beliefs personally and communally. Moreover, individuals may have the freedom to investigate and test the effects of personality-altering drugs and therefore to develop or change their opinions. Protecting freedom of choice in this area – to take or not take the drugs, to disagree or agree with someone else taking the drugs – can be accomplished through awareness-raising. Social media and formal organizations are effective means of upholding these rights of citizens. 

Having protected the freedom of choice within the political domain, social action can then be made to inform society of the moral issue that antidepressants present and encourage serious analysis of their impact on the value of humanity. This is not a moral issue which can be legalistically enforced but must rather be upheld by firm belief in protecting the sacredness of the human personality. The choice to use or not use personality-altering drugs is a personal one. The bias of this paper, as mentioned earlier, is towards a human personality that is primarily sacred and then biological. This belief is rooted in the truth claims of Christianity. From within this framework of the Christian faith - a framework that is not at all black and white - the use of antidepressants is not a matter of law but a matter of heart. That is to say, it is not beneficial for Christians to host legalistic campaigns pinpointing the perfect moral position between total abstinence and total acceptance of personality-altering drugs. Rather, the complexity and confusion of this moral issue requires individuals to seriously examine their desires and purposes in using their respective drugs. The issue to be handled is not the drugs themselves, but the selfish desires or lack of trust in God which causes people to use antidepressants wrongfully. 

An extremely honest and very well-researched work, by a Christian theologian who suffers from manic-depressive disorder, asserts that “mental illnesses are understood these days as biologically and socially based, not spiritually. But they do have a spiritual fallout” (Greene-McCreight, 2006, p. 107). If the ultimate source of the human personality is God Himself, then “religious language covers all and every aspect of being” (Greene-McCreight, 2006, p. 114). Although mental illness and medications are certainly not well-understood within Christian doctrine, the character of God and the relation of God to mankind are steadfast. The Christian response, therefore, to these dilemmas should not be to find a human and temporal answer but to find an eternal one. The Christian can have hope that when sin and confusion seem rampant, specifically with the new power of humanity in the biological field, all things are created and understood by God. The human personality finds its root in Him and is controlled by Him. Those struggling with mental illness can trust that “the Strong Man who will bind this spiritual fallout is Jesus” (Greene-McCreight, 2006, p. 107). Surely moral failure and sin are beyond human ability to control and understand, including the presence and impact of personality-altering medications. Likewise the God of the Universe remains that only One who can free us from the moral failure of them. He frees us from moral failure by a personal relationship with Him that is not of legalism or laws but of personal trust, forgiveness and love. As we try to decide to what extent personality-altering drugs are permissible it is necessary to depend on Him to be our source of goodness and truth because we, as sinful creatures, cannot make moral and good decisions. 

A Personal Response to Personality-Altering Drugs 

The moral issue of when or when not to use potentially personality-altering drugs is specifically related to a whether or not a person needs to make these choices in their life. The need for drugs to treat mental illness cannot be truly understood until it is experienced, and the importance of one’s moral stance on personality-altering drugs is not critical until a real decision must be made. The relevance of personality-altering drugs in most people’s lives will simply be staying informed on the reality of the drugs and their impact. A real moral opinion is not necessarily required, or put to the test, until one has the option to use the drugs themselves. My interest in the effects of personality-altering drugs is their increasing prevalence in the treatment of mood disorders and my suspicions that I may be victim to them. Having lived the textbook symptoms of depression for periods of three to four months at a time, but somewhat fearing a diagnosis, I have avoided professional opinions and also the certain offer of antidepressants. I am currently of the opinion that my moods are a part of personality which, though I may be unable to control them, are essential to my identity and do not require drugs to change them. I do not think that I need to be medicated because I have had suicidal thoughts; rather I think that my moods and thoughts have been out workings of my growing and changing relationship with God. As in the Books of Job, Psalms and Ecclesiastes, I find the deep and painful aspects of life and personality to be the most real and revealing of our nature in contrast to God’s.

The course reading on Prozac, as well as the personal research I have done in the works of Greene-McCreight and Jamison, have informed me greatly and caused me to re-analyze and test my opinions numerous times over. I am certainly still in the process of testing and developing my opinions, therefore my most practical means of responding to the issues of antidepressants has been to inform myself with a variety of opinions. I am thankful that my experiences of depression have not yet been all-consuming and also thankful that I have not experienced symptoms of mania. I realize, though, that there may come a time when I have to more seriously consider the possibility of taking antidepressant drugs. I also realize that I am still very naive to the real pressures of mental illness on daily life (I have always been able to re-surface on my own). The Prozac article concerned me because the dissolution of personality by medication seems horrifyingly destructive to the meaning of our lives. I am admittedly at a point of fearing the effects of medication on the brain, and I am attempting to deal with this moral issue by reading and questioning my own beliefs against the beliefs of others. 

Works Cited

Greene-McCreight, K. (2006). Darkness Is My Only Companion: A Christian Response to Mental Illness. Grand Rapids, MI: Brazos Press. 

Jamison, K.R. (1995). An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness. New York, NY: Random House, Inc. 

Jamison, K.R. (1993). Touched with Fire: Manic-Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament. New York, NY: Free Press Paperbacks. 

Kramer, P.D. (2002). “Listening to Prozac: A Psychiatrist Explores Antidepressant Drugs and the Remaking of the Self.” In L. May, S. Collins-Chobanian & K. Wong (Eds.), Applied Ethics: A Multicultural Approach. 3rd ed. (640-652). Upper Saddle River, NJ: Prentice Hall. 

Works Consulted

Styron, W. (1990). Darkness Visible. New York, NY: Random House, Inc. 

Dossey, L. (1993). Healing Words: The Power of Prayer and the Practice of Medicine. New York, NY: HarperCollins Publishers.

Van Gogh

Yesterday I was studying Freud and leaning a bit about talk therapy, how the catharsis of speaking their thoughts can free people from the symptoms of their mental illness, specifically schizophrenia. I'm not sure what I think about that yet. I mean I definitely think that it 'works' (re: the memoir of Elyn Saks and her talk therapy). But why does it relieve the symptoms and what are the source of the symptoms. I have my ideas but they will stay in my brain for now.

A lot of the time I spend thinking is aimed at trying to fit worldly realities and biblical truth together. 

Today I was reading about Vincent van Gogh and his life. I didn't know much about it. His father was a minister in the Dutch Reformed Church. Van Gogh was significantly committed to the gospel for much of his life (he only lived until 37). He studied theology some and lived as a missionary for a period. He was trying to preach the gospel. As he began to take his own artwork very seriously he considered major works of art to be leading people to God. 

Van Gogh reportedly abandoned any faith in God when a theologian who he had respected and trusted refused to let him marry his daughter. The daughter also refused to marry Van Gogh. Most likely the refusals were based upon Van Goghs extreme mental instability which was well present by that time. 

Van Gogh was likely bipolar, possibly schizophrenic, and suffered from a variety of health problems. He did drastic, violent things such as cutting off part of his ear. He saw hallucinations and experienced very strong depressive and manic episodes. He died from a gunshot wound in his chest. Suicide is the largely accepted theory but some argue otherwise.

I think his life is absolutely fascinating. Before he died (he didn't die immediately from his gunshot wound), his brother reported that his last words were "the sadness will last forever". 

I'm hesitant to share what I'm thinking about all this because the majority of people would call it absolute lunacy and probably write me off as a very poorly misguided, intolerant and crazy extremist. Ack. Here goes anyways.

I think the course of Van Gogh's life reflects a life without God. I think it was sinfulness and temptation that lead him away from God, and sinfulness and temptation that destroyed him. I think that after rejecting God he became utterly lost and there was no hope for him. I think he was buffeted on every side by the devil, against whom Van Gogh had no defense after he refused the Savior he once believed in. The angst and confusion and pain of his life is even more amplified than that of most because he once knew hope and truth.

For if, after they have escaped the pollutions of the world through the knowledge of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, they are again entangled in them and overcome, the latter end is worse for them than the beginning. For it would have been better for them not to have known the way of righteousness, than having known it, to turn from the holy commandment delivered to them. But it has happened to them according to the true proverb: “A dog returns to his own vomit,” and, “a sow, having washed, to her wallowing in the mire.”

2 Peter 2:20-22

Van Gogh's life also makes me think about the following verse:

For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened, and have tasted the heavenly gift, and have become partakers of the Holy Spirit, and have tasted the good word of God and the powers of the age to come, if they fall away, to renew them again to repentance, since they crucify again for themselves the Son of God, and put Him to an open shame.
Hebrews 6:4-6

I think that the devil is real and that he messes with me everyday. I think that he eggs me on in my own sinfulness to refuse Christ and seek my meaning and value in the world. I think that he is involved and happy whenever I sin - when I hate, when I lust, when I desire my own recognition and success, when I take pride in my own rightness, when I stop believing that Jesus is real and true. I think he is constantly trying to remove me from the only one who I need.

I continually fail to acknowledge the power that the devil has and is daily using to bring me to my destruction. But more significantly, usually when I am failing to acknowledge the devils supernatural involvement in my life I am also failing to acknowledge God's supernatural power in my life. 

I need to believe God's supernatural power in order to survive. I am hopelessly sinful and when I don't believe God I have no defense against my own sinfulness. Jesus is my only hope of being free from my own sin. I need to pray and repent and beg for help and depend on God when I sin. It doesn't work when I try to fight my sin on my own. And against all the things that hurt me and confuse me I must wield a faith that trusts Jesus with my life and frees me to love Him more than myself. 

I really don't enjoy believing things that people I know and respect disagree with. Even things they think are ridiculous. But at some point I'm just going to have to suck it up and be okay with the fact that when I say what I believe people are going to think I'm foolish. And I need to stop not saying what I believe because I want to control what people think of me. If people could read my thoughts I would never have this problem.

"For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who suppress the truth in unrighteousness, because what may be known of God is manifest in them, for God has shown it to them. For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse, because, although they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish hearts were darkened. Professing to be wise, they became fools, and changed the glory of the incorruptible God into an image made like corruptible man—and birds and four-footed animals and creeping things.

Therefore God also gave them up to uncleanness, in the lusts of their hearts, to dishonor their bodies among themselves, who exchanged the truth of God for the lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever. Amen.

For this reason God gave them up to vile passions. For even their women exchanged the natural use for what is against nature. Likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust for one another, men with men committing what is shameful, and receiving in themselves the penalty of their error which was due.

And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a debased mind, to do those things which are not fitting; being filled with all unrighteousness, sexual immorality, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, evil-mindedness; they are whisperers, backbiters, haters of God, violent, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, undiscerning, untrustworthy, unloving, unforgiving, unmerciful; who, knowing the righteous judgment of God, that those who practice such things are deserving of death, not only do the same but also approve of those who practice them. 

Romans 1: 18 - 32

UPDATE:

If the verse from Hebrews is causing you some problems check out this resource from John Piper. If you are interested in more discussion of Satan's power vs. God's power read this.

Summer Job and Selfishness

"And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is the good and acceptable and perfect will of God" (Romans 12:2).

I just spent my summer working a housekeeping job at a five star resort and spa in Muskoka, Ontario. And the degree to which I allowed myself to live in the world for those 4 months really messed with my head. Obviously I was not keeping myself grounded in God’s Word. I began picking up thought-patterns that enable worldly thriving.

My life is about me. I need to do what makes me the happiest. Hang out with whoever makes me feel great, cultivate whatever lifestyle will benefit me the most (comfort financially, outlet and recognition for my talents), stand up for myself and believe myself to be deserving of the best. Find confidence and respect in sharing my accomplishments. Don’t say or act in ways that will make people embarrassed by you or dislike you (i.e. do not openly speak and practice many biblical beliefs... definitely not that you believe yourself and others to be sinning). Make achieving physical beauty a high priority. Love yourself.

Sometimes when I think these things they seem perfectly acceptable, normal. Other times I am absolutely appalled by how deceitfully innocent they seem – how I managed to miss (unknowingly or otherwise) that they are rooted in selfishness. It’s hard to acknowledge that what I think is appropriate self-edification is actually evidence of my sinfulness and rebellion against God. I cannot help but idolize, protect and promote myself if I want to survive in the world, that is, without completely surrendering my life’s value to God.

I want to love. I want to serve others before myself. I want to love God above all else. These are biblical concepts that I adore and desire. But I have my evidence from this summer – if I dispose of God it is then necessary for me to be selfish to survive. I hate my selfishness, but I cannot defeat it simply by choosing to place others before me... doing so will leave me worthless and crushed. I need to surrender to the step that I would usually prefer to skip, the step that I cannot fathom nor achieve in my own efforts, that is to love God above all else. Die to myself so that it is Christ who lives in me. So that it is Christ who carries me – life by His confidence, His worth, His power, His unconditional love – and it is then possible to live according to the good and acceptable and perfect will of God.

I am tired of finding myself having failed by believing that I could attain God’s glorious standard by depending on my own thoughts and efforts. How foolish I am to think that I will live this day according to God’s will without being utterly and completely surrendered to and immersed in Him. My selfishness exhausts me. It seems undefeatable and to be waiting to pounce on me with every new thought. The irony of it is that I am usually searching myself to find the strength and reasoning to make myself depend on God. I’m not sure I even know how to only search God for the strength to trust God. I’m my own stumbling block, stumbling over myself trying to get to God. 20 years of self-focus has cemented a self-dependence reflex that will be the death of me. Jesus help me.