Clinging

I think I live my life on repeat.
Made possible by an abysmal memory.

I mean I have the same problems over and over again.
And I never recall what I learned the time before.

I spent most of today numbly discouraged that though I loved truth yesterday, today the memory of it wasn't even strong enough to get my bible opened up in front of me.

I stayed in bed all day.

Sleep numbed the discouragement of once again preferring selfishness and sin to God.
And, as per usual, trying again after having already failed was not even an option.
Obviously yesterday’s reflection didn't cause a miraculous change.

An optimistic perspective:
Continued failure = A continued reminder that I can’t depend on myself to do this.
Not my own learning.
Not my own desires.

The following is a not-so-old journal entry.

April 14th, 2013
Confession time: God I am so stupid. I am right back to being sinful again even after you gave me a week of such blessing. My thoughts are so inconsistent that I could never trust them. I am so thankful that you are so much bigger than I, that your truth is so incorruptible and you are so constant. I can do nothing but just believe that you will continually be there, be the same, and be loving me while I falter about. I've just got nothing good to offer. I've just got nothing in myself to be confident about. You might as well use me because I’m useless to anyone else, even myself. I don’t even have a passion, not even ambition enough to get myself out of bed in the morning. I am so weak I can do nothing other than cling to you. Please keep making me weaker. Keep making it so that I have nothing to offer people but you. Keep making it so that I have to desire only you because you are clearly the only One I have. Keep showing me my sin and making me repent. I am so sorry for the selfishness that so frequently overwhelms me. Sorry for the bitterness and entitlement that my heart somehow still produces. Sorry for the lack of rejoicing in you and the lack of trusting that comes when I get self-centered. Thank you for not abandoning me when I sin against you. Thank you for making me so at home with just you and you, that I am able to so gladly be alone with you.

Right now this truth is my hope: 

Keep on confessing to Him.

Keep on hoping in Him.

That’s all I can handle right now.

Inheritance Incorruptible

God's Words to Hosea regarding His people Israel.

In Brief.

8th Century BC.

God: 

"They do not direct their deeds towards God, for the spirit of harlotry is in their midst and they do not know the LORD. The pride of Israel testifies to his face; therefore Israel and Ephraim stumble in their iniquity; Judah also stumbles with them (4:4). For I will be like a lion to Ephraim, and like a young lion to the house of Judah. I, even I, will tear them and go away; I will take them away, and no one shall rescue. I will return again to My place till they acknowledge their offense. Then they will seek My face; in their affliction they will earnestly seek Me" (4:14 -15).

Hosea:

 “Come, and let us return to the LORD, for He has torn, but He will heal us; He has stricken, but He will bind us up. After two days He will revive us; on the third day He will raise us up. That we may live in His sight. Let us know, let us pursue the knowledge of the LORD” (6:1-3).

God: 

“Woe to them, for they have fled from Me! Destruction to them, because they have transgressed against Me! Though I have redeemed them, yet they have spoken lies against Me. They did not cry out to Me with their heart when they wailed upon their beds” (7:13-14).

Hosea: 

“Do not rejoice, O Israel, with joy like other peoples, for you have played the harlot against your God. You have made love for hire on every threshing floor. The threshing floor and the winepress shall not feed them, and the new wine shall fail her (9:1-2). You have plowed wickedness; you have reaped iniquity. You have eaten the fruit of lies, because you trusted in your own way” (10:13).

God: 

“Yet I am the LORD your God ever since the land of Egypt. And you shall know no God but Me; for there is no savior besides Me (13:4). I will ransom them from the power of the grave; I will redeem them from death. O Death, I will be you plagues! O Grave, I will be your destruction” (13:14).

Hosea:

 “Who is wise? Let him understand these things. Who is prudent? Let him know them. For the ways of the LORD are right; the righteous walk in them, but transgressors stumble in them” (14:9). 

Read this again.

Except put me in Israel's place.

Still true?

Unfortunately, yes.

Or fortunately?

Fortunately. 

Though I sin, God remains faithful.

Though I sin, God remains my incorruptible hope.

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His abundant mercy has begotten us again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance incorruptible and undefiled and that does not fade away, reserved in heaven for you, who are kept by the power of God through faith for salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ, whom having not seen you love. Though now you do not see Him, yet believing, you rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, receiving the end of your faith—the salvation of your souls" (1 Peter 1:3-9).