Who God Is

Wrote this in the front of my bible last year after I stopped believing in God for a while. 
It refocuses me when I just need a push back in the right direction. 

Why I Love the Downtown East Side

I really love the people of the Downtown East Side.

I run to them.

And I've been trying to figure out why.

I think it’s because nothing about them threatens me.

I'm not scared of drug addicts or their dealers, prostitutes or their pimps, the mentally ill, the thieves, the compulsive-liars, the violent, the murderers.

I think that's because the faith that comes easiest to me is trusting God with big things. The only reason that the people of the DTES might scare me is if I feared for my life. And I don't. 

And I've never been scared of strangers.

I actually adore strangers...

Who I am scared of are my peers. 

I run from them.

And I've been trying to figure out why. 

I think it’s because I feel threatened by them. 

I'm so frightened of them that sometimes I even fear them in stranger form (rare but it happens).

I have an on and off relationship with Facebook because it's full of peers who scare me.

The following scare me:

1. Peers who appear to be pretty.

2. Peers who appear to be self-confident.

3. Peers who appear to be happy.

4. Peers who appear to be well-liked (..popular).

And these people are even more frightening in real life than online.

The inferiority I feel in response to them is crippling. 

I see them.

But I don’t really know them.

So I can’t see any flaws or vulnerabilities.

They see me.

But they don’t really know me.

And I don’t think I have any perfection to show them.

So they just see flaws and vulnerabilities.

But they don’t understand them.

I don't want to be friends with them.

I want to forget about them.

I want to run from them.

It's been this way as long as I can remember.

And I've been trying to figure out why. 

I think it’s because I'm scared of them creating a ‘me’ that’s not me.

Strangers (God love'm) are great because:

1) They, by definition, have no understanding of me.

2) I neither expect, require nor desire for them to understand me. 

I like my people to fall into one of two categories; either they know me deeply, or they don't know me at all.

Peers make me feel uncomfortable and self-conscious and insecure because they know things about me but they don't actually know me. It makes me seriously frightened to have people thinking they know a 'me' that isn't actually me. I feel trapped in their perception of me. It feels like the real me is being suffocated, buried, deemed irrelevant. It seems like people don't actually realize that they don't know me. Or that they don't actually care to know me. 

I want to hide from people who assume they know who I am but who have never known or understood me. 

.... My brother has described having a similar feeling. That is, it makes him extremely uncomfortable when people who don't deeply know him make a verbal judgement or observation of him. It seems wrong to him that they should do that. 

All of this is the cause of a major problem.

It makes it impossible for me to love my peers. 

Don't be fooled into thinking I'm virtuous for loving the people of the DTES. It's easy for me to love them because they are strangers. I feel free to be myself with them. I feel free to be vulnerable with them. I feel free to be weak with them. I expect nothing from them. I don’t need to try and earn their love because it doesn't matter if they love me or not.

My affinity for the people of the DTES is primarily selfish.

Who I run to, and who I run from, is based on my desire to uphold and protect me. 

And I am so ashamed.

There is nothing present here other than self-love.

I love people who either love me (know me),

Or people who I don't need to love me (know me).

(I think being loved has a lot to do with being known).

I have loved me.

I have not loved people who don't love me.

Yet I think that in order to love Christ I must obey Him.

And in order to obey Christ I must love people who don't love me in return.

My fear of not being loved by you is keeping me from loving you. 

Forgive me.

I have not been able to love you because I have not believed that Christ's love is enough for me.

I have not believed that it is enough to have Him know me.

If I believed that, I would be able to love you without you truly knowing me.

I would be able to love you unconditionally. 

I would be able to love you like you need to be loved.

Yet I have joy because I believe that all this and more will be possible.

Because He is faithful to finish the work He has begun in me (Philippians 1:6).

Because He continues to teach and guide me (Psalm 32:8).

Because He promises His help, His strength and His victory (Isaiah 41:10).

Because His power is made perfect in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).

And, of course, His grace is sufficient for me (2 Corinthians 12:9). 

Therefore,

Having been justified by faith, 

I have peace with God 

through our Lord Jesus Christ, 

through whom also we have access by faith 

into this grace in which we stand (!!!!!!!)

and rejoice (!!!)

in hope (!!!!)

of the glory of God (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).

And not only that, 

J

but we also glory in tribulations, 

knowing that tribulation 

produces perseverance; 

and perseverance, 

character; 

and character, 

hope.

(WOOOHOOOOOOOOOO)

Now hope 

DOES NOT DISAPPOINT

(amazing stuff)

because the GREAT LOVE of God has been poured out into our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

Sincerely,

the much-read, much-true and much-wonderful Romans 5:1-5

I Give You MUSIC

I wrote this a month-ish ago. 

Everyday I kill my dreams

Because I don't believe in me.

Not in my voice or my body.

My ambition or my ability.

One person can tell me not to bother.

And I'll believe them.

One look can kill my hopes.

Even the strongest encouragement can't compare.

I don't believe in me.

Here's the litany that buries me

I can't be

Creative or unique enough for the world to want to see.

I can't stick to an idea long enough 

To give it possibility

I fail once and I'm done

Preferring to leave the dream unsung

Then watch it fail again.

There's nothing powerful enough to make me finish a song

Because I know that

Success is empty.

It's all empty.

Nothing I can achieve

Will make me

Happy

Then I recorded this today.

Whaddaya say we look at what I just said, and we scrap it, you know?

You see, well, I only get like that when I stop believing in God. 

You see my hope isn’t actually in me.

It’s not actually in me. 

It’s in... God.

And I, well I, when I stop believing. 

When I start looking at myself and trying to find purpose in myself. 

Um it’s easier to talk when I have an accent 

because then it doesn't sound like me 

and then I don’t have to credit it to myself. 

You see.

I don’t believe in me.

And, that’s the way it’s supposed to be.

Cause I don’t have the strength or the love 

to do anything worth dreaming of.

I was made to know and worship the Perfect One. 

So all the dreams with myself involved are too small.

Too small to get me goin'.

What gets me goin' is when I believe 

And I think that God is capable of anything. 

And that in heaven there will be perfect love 

and perfect joy 

and perfect hope. 

That’s pretty cool I think.

Um I have nothing else to say.

Except for, I need God. 

And it’s only when I spend time in Him that I’m okay.

And that He is the source of my life .

And that when I reject Him things just go downhill.

Thanksgiving....

A couple of minutes ago I thought I had a perfect idea. I say perfect because perfect ideas settle in my mind with absolute, joyous perfection immediately as they are first thought. The idea was to blog a list of things I'm thankful for. Then I realized it is thanksgiving today. Inspired perfection turned dreadful cliche. After recovering from the disappointment I decided to go ahead with the idea anyways.

I normally stop myself short when I start thinking of the things I'm thankful for because, like happiness, I have this unacknowledged apprehension that once I acknowledge it, it will disappear. Or that I’m not supposed to be thankful/happy. I have no idea why I think that. A lie that I’ve believed. To be attacked with truth.

So you shall rejoice in every good thing which the Lord your God has given to you and your house, you and the Levite and the stranger who is among you (Deut 26:11).

Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice! (Philippians 4:4)

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18). 

THUS
God, thanks for freeing me to be thankful by letting me see and believe truth. Though I most often don’t acknowledge it, a lot of things do make me very glad. And I have You to thank for them. Here are some of them! (Not in any order).

1. Space Oddity by David Bowie
2. The way pianos and guitars can be played without any skill and still sound absolute gorgeous.
3. The way they sound gorgeous beyond comprehension when they are played with skill.
4. 8tracks.
5. Delicious smells that carry vivid memories and strong emotion.
6. That I don’t need to worry about anything, and actually am not supposed to.
7. That you've put people in my life who really do care about me and understand me.

8. The human capability of singing.

9. How sunshine produces astounding colour.

10. SWIMMING IN RIVERS AND LAKES.

11. Boats.

12. When I really imagined and loved heaven for the first time two nights ago.

13. When I pray and then I remember that I totally love You.

14. People who guide and encourage me.

15. how time passing makes me full of awe, seeing the change in the world, myself and others and seeing things that never change.

16. Food that tastes delicious and treats my body wonderfully.

17. Enjoying things in moderation.

18. Hope that isn't at all related to what I do with my life; that I can't mess up.

19. Confusion and struggle and angst that make my life interesting and teach me things I could never learn otherwise. 

20. The promise that I will abide with God in His perfect love, joy, wisdom and peace. 

Inheritance Incorruptible

God's Words to Hosea regarding His people Israel.

In Brief.

8th Century BC.

God: 

"They do not direct their deeds towards God, for the spirit of harlotry is in their midst and they do not know the LORD. The pride of Israel testifies to his face; therefore Israel and Ephraim stumble in their iniquity; Judah also stumbles with them (4:4). For I will be like a lion to Ephraim, and like a young lion to the house of Judah. I, even I, will tear them and go away; I will take them away, and no one shall rescue. I will return again to My place till they acknowledge their offense. Then they will seek My face; in their affliction they will earnestly seek Me" (4:14 -15).

Hosea:

 “Come, and let us return to the LORD, for He has torn, but He will heal us; He has stricken, but He will bind us up. After two days He will revive us; on the third day He will raise us up. That we may live in His sight. Let us know, let us pursue the knowledge of the LORD” (6:1-3).

God: 

“Woe to them, for they have fled from Me! Destruction to them, because they have transgressed against Me! Though I have redeemed them, yet they have spoken lies against Me. They did not cry out to Me with their heart when they wailed upon their beds” (7:13-14).

Hosea: 

“Do not rejoice, O Israel, with joy like other peoples, for you have played the harlot against your God. You have made love for hire on every threshing floor. The threshing floor and the winepress shall not feed them, and the new wine shall fail her (9:1-2). You have plowed wickedness; you have reaped iniquity. You have eaten the fruit of lies, because you trusted in your own way” (10:13).

God: 

“Yet I am the LORD your God ever since the land of Egypt. And you shall know no God but Me; for there is no savior besides Me (13:4). I will ransom them from the power of the grave; I will redeem them from death. O Death, I will be you plagues! O Grave, I will be your destruction” (13:14).

Hosea:

 “Who is wise? Let him understand these things. Who is prudent? Let him know them. For the ways of the LORD are right; the righteous walk in them, but transgressors stumble in them” (14:9). 

Read this again.

Except put me in Israel's place.

Still true?

Unfortunately, yes.

Or fortunately?

Fortunately. 

Though I sin, God remains faithful.

Though I sin, God remains my incorruptible hope.

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His abundant mercy has begotten us again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance incorruptible and undefiled and that does not fade away, reserved in heaven for you, who are kept by the power of God through faith for salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ, whom having not seen you love. Though now you do not see Him, yet believing, you rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, receiving the end of your faith—the salvation of your souls" (1 Peter 1:3-9).