Leery on Anti-Depressants

I've been thinking more about the Christian view of depression and I am still leery on taking anti-depressants. I'm not convinced that they are an absolute no-no, but neither am I sure of when they should be a yes. I definitely don't think all depression should be medicated because some depression actually has good purpose. Depression drives me towards God. Also, depression is a 'correct' response to the state of our world if we are separated from God. 

But does it come to a point when depression is too powerful and needs to be treated or else it will be impossible for us to abide in Christ? And can we know that point?

Diagnosing Depression

I think that everyone agrees that there is an extreme unknownness in regards to the diagnosis of depression. Its seems to me that a certain amount of depression is normal for people who think deeply and often times it doesn't need to be treated. The symptoms of depression occurring here - hopelessness, fear, worry, worthlessness - are dispelled when the thinker receives renewed faith.

It's necessary to highlight here that my personal experience with depression isn't what people are defining as clinical depression; my depressive seasons have always been lifted as I return to trusting God. The claim is that real, clinical depression is caused by chemical imbalances which disable the ability to control one's thoughts and therefore to have faith.

It seems that the most definitive diagnosis of depression is based on length of time (some say more than two weeks). But this doesn't work for me because I've been bed-ridden for a least a month and have still been able to recover by faith. During the times I've been depressed, I haven't been able to convince myself of anything worthwhile living for (but I wasn't suicidal). I believe that God did (and continues to) free me from hopelessness in response to prayer (and He is the one who enables my faith and my prayer). Praying - choosing to trust God despite not trusting God, begging Him to forgive me and draw me to Him, declaring truth about Him, leaning completely on Him and not at all on myself - brings about a lightness and a freedom that I couldn't think myself into. My experience tells me that God can give me a peace which I can't create or find on my own.

Thought Control and Faith

Anti-depressants are supported by Christian's on the assumption that we must be in control of our thoughts in order to have faith. I realize that reasoning is certainly critical to having faith.

For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ (2 Cor 10:3-5). 

What I'm not sure about is whether our control of thoughts is necessary to produce faith. What if the ability to bring thoughts into captivity to the obedience of Christ is not ours but God's? What if we don't actually have the the control to bring our thoughts under Christ? Like the weapons we use are God's, not our own. 

Try to follow this. I can't think myself into peace in Christ. I can pray myself into faith in Christ. But, you ask, doesn't praying = thinking? 

I think they might be different. When I pray, I am forming thoughts, but I don't feel in control of them. I mean, when I'm praying I end up thinking thoughts that I couldn't have imagined thinking if I wasn't praying. It feels like I don't know where the thoughts came from or how they managed to come about. I don't know where the strength came from to really think them. 

I know this distinction sounds really contrived and ambiguous. But I think things are tangibly different when I am thinking to God and when I am thinking to myself. When I pray, I receive faith to trust God that I didn't produce. When I'm praying I surrender control of my thoughts to God, and He controls my thoughts, and He produces the faith. 

It makes me think of this: Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered (Romans 8:26). But I'm not positive that this scripture actually applies to what I was just saying... I just know that this scripture is saying something that I should be paying attention to. Requiring further attention...

I'm theorizing that we aren't responsible for our faith, neither for the strength or fruit of our prayers, but it is God working in us to produce what pleases Him. What He accomplishes through us is irrelevant to our strength and ability. 

I've given myself a headache. 
Yet we continue.

Faith as a Gift

As I understand it, faith is something we receive from God, not something that we bring about by our own control. By that understanding, faith should still be possible in depression even if we can't achieve it ourselves. And freedom from depression should be possible by prayer, and if not our own prayer than that of others.

Also, if faith is a gift than the following is also true: Christian's who are taking anti-depressants should not be feeling ashamed because other Christian's are accusing them of lacking faith. All Christians do lack faith. Lacking faith is inevitable based on the reality that we are still in a fallen world and still imperfect. (Also, your faith doesn't belong to you, so your pride shouldn't be injured if you don't have it. You have no right to pride. All of your boasting is in Christ). 

Your shame in lacking faith is the same as your shame in being a sinner. Your faults are real, but you are not supposed to be ashamed of them any longer, because you have repented and been forgiven through the death and resurrection of Christ. The response to guilt for having depression, or for being medically treated for it, is to repent and turn to Christ. That's always the solution. No matter how confusing the situation seems. Just keep on turning to Christ and He will guard you as well as reveal, in time, the way that you should go.  Believe Christ and keep on trying to believe. I know it seems like faulty logic - i.e. how can you believe when you lack faith - but still you must believe unto faith.

Your brain is probably tired by now.

Mine is.

And so we plow on.

An Analogy for Anti-Depressant?

The most convincing Christian argument (in my opinion)  for clinical depression is that it causes a chemical imbalance which will most likely not be resolved by faith but should be medically treated. Similar to how one doesn't refuse glasses on the conviction that by their faith God will heal them from poor vision. These physical aids are chosen because clear vision (thank you glasses) and a clear mind (thank you anti-depressants) are necessary for both intake of God's Word and thought-control - which is in turn, and most importantly, necessary for faith. Glasses and anti-depressants themselves aren't actually healing, but they are God-given tools to enable our physically corrupted bodies to give their full attention to Him. 

A side note: there is still a niggling discomfort in my mind with the line-drawing that occurs at 'chemical imbalance'. Yes it's a physical thing, yet can I cause chemical imbalances in my own brain? When I am hopeless and stay in bed all day, do my negative thoughts change my brain chemistry? (I'm suspicious that they do). So... does there come a point where my brain has been chemically imbalanced for so long that now the chemicals are controlling my thoughts, rather than my thoughts controlling the chemicals? Is it like porn, where I've brought my mind into the habit of feeling a certain way, due to chemicals that I invited in, and now the chemicals have such a hold on me that I can't escape them? That I need medication (I'm still not sure)? Or that I need serious counselling and support (which I heartily approve of)?

Another side note: Christian's who support anti-depressants usually support that anti-depressants are solely giving the individual back the thought-control they once had. Yet there is evidence and opinion which says anti-depressants can alter personality, not returning the patient to their normal but rather being used to create a 'desired' normal. An artificial happiness, or even artificial personality, that wasn't experienced by that person before they were depressed. One example is Peter Kramer's work on Prozac. (I wrote a paper on this "Medicating our Personalities: A Reflection on Anti-Depressants" in my second year philosophy course (contemporary ethical issues). My views in that one are current as of April 2013). 

One of the major issues I see with glasses and anti-depressants is that they appear to give life (the ability to experience earthly life and enjoy it). Christians can begin to assume that they are okay now that they are able to function okay (I think that we all do this and it's natural - sinful - for us to do this). While you were blind or depressed, it was easy to remember that you needed God. Now that you seem fine it's more difficult. Except the glasses and anti-depressants didn't heal you. They gave you an artificial function of being healed. 

You still have poor vision and you are still hopeless. You are still subject to sin if you are not abiding in Christ and living by faith. I maintain that depression has a spiritual cause - that being that we are inherently hopeless and subject to all things evil on our own. We can become depressed while we are Christian's because we still lack faith, we are still imperfect, we still need to be constantly abiding in Christ in order to live. Anti-depressants can successfully treat the physical implications of the spiritual cause (sinfulness and lostness = an unhealthy mind and unhealthy body). But you still are not healed. You still have the most urgent need of abiding in Christ to defeat.

A Semblance of a Conclusion

We must decide whether or not anti-depressants are okay on a case by case basis and always be seeking first and foremost to abide in Christ. 

Anti-depressants can help us gain a healthy mind like exercise can help us gain a healthy body. But a healthy mind doesn't heal us just like a healthy body doesn't heal us. Therefore... exercise yourself toward godliness. For bodily exercise profits a little, but godliness is profitable for all things, having promise of the life that now is and of that which is to come. This is a faithful saying and worthy of all acceptance (1 Tim 4:7 -9).

DISCLAIMER: I am, of course, still thinking and praying and trying to come to the Truth. All these rambling thoughts are a part of me getting there. Which means, on some points, I'm likely going to disagree with myself later. Also I realize my reasoning becomes difficult to follow at points... sorry about that. 

Yes to Anti-Depressants

So I made a comment over at Jesus or Zoloft and a kind woman (pastordt) took the time to disagree with me and offer responses to my questions. You might want to read the actual blog post (the link above). You can also see the original comment thread there, or read it here (I've been given permission to post it). Also check out the post I wrote before this conversation got started (Mental Illness and Jesus). 

me:

I agree with you [referring to Jamie who wrote the blog post] that depression is not a sin, but I do think that it is caused by sin and therefore a spiritual, not a medical, battle. I think it's natural that we be plagued by the effects of sin as long as we are still in this world and not yet resurrected in Christ.

Although I feel like I should agree with you, I currently don't. I think depression is a real, evil attack against us that brings us to a point where we are willing to value the functionality and freedom of our life over the grace of Christ. I think it's a spiritual battle that is supposed to be fought, no matter how difficult, by faith. And that faith looks like totally depending on God to make you alive and hopeful and able to bear fruit for Him. I think that I need to believe in His power to free me and that I'm hiding from the battle by taking anti-depressants. A lot of Christian's who suffer from depression read the psalms and connect with what the psalmist said. He gained victory over his depression by trusting God.

I don't think taking anti-depressants for depression is similar to taking insulin for diabetes. The mind is much more complex than the body. Our identity is in our minds, not our body. Our faith and reasoning is in our minds, not our body. Ultimately it's a personal decision. Mine is that if I really do claim to believe that God is everything that bible says He is, then I need to trust Him to free me or not free me from depression as is necessary for Him to be glorified as He pleases.

If you want to examine the source of this opinion (me) you can read my blog.

Otherwise it's just another perspective to take into consideration.

pastordt:

This just makes me sad, and a little bit scared, too. As with any other battle we endure in this life, there is, indeed, a spiritual component to depression. We are whole creatures, body/mind/soul. Separating them out is not helpful nor is it even scriptural.

Mental illness, in all its complicated permutations, IS an illness of the body as well as the mind, just as diabetes, with all its multi-layered complexity is an illness of the mind as well as the body. You cannot just carve out pieces of yourself and say medical care is appropriate for this but not for that.

That desire to make the mind the only part of us with connection to God is a piece of the oldest heresy on the books - gnosticism. I truly hope you will reconsider and avail yourself of all the help that is out here in this world, this world where God's truth is unveiled in the science lab as well as in the pages of scripture.

We believe in a resurrection of the body, remember? The body. And our minds are an intrinsic part of that body. Maybe, just maybe, God has already given you all the information you need to walk down the path toward wholeness. You are choosing not to take that path.

God is glorified, as Iraneaus put it in the 2nd century, by 'the human person, fully alive.' If you are truly battling clinically diagnosable depression, then you are not fully alive. And everything in scripture and in the history of faith points us in the direction of choosing life. For many believers, that means availing themselves of medicine that helps to rebalance important chemicals in the brain that impact mood. It doesn't work for everyone, but for many it is nothing less than a Godsend. And I use that word very deliberately.

me:

Hi pastordt,

Thanks for replying. I'm still forming my views on this and I'm glad to have people who challenge me and make me keep examining things. 

First, can I ask what you mean by my conclusions making you scared? 

Also, I hadn't thought so far as to realize that dividing the mind and body is not biblical. You've given me new things to think about. I didn't mean to make it that the mind was our only connection with God.

I think the foundation of my thinking right now is that I really want to abide by the claims that Jesus is capable of healing and that He is all I need to fully alive. You probably understand that early faith often appears in fairly extreme beliefs.... 

Regarding God being glorified in us being fully alive... am I supposed to be made fully alive while still on this earth? Isn't it impossible for me to be fully alive as long as any sin is present? 

Finally, cannot choosing life simply mean choosing Christ? Do you think it is dangerous for me to keep hoping that Jesus will heal me/not heal me as necessary for His glory (and not take medication)? I want to believe that abiding in Christ can rebalance the brain chemicals that impact mood. 

pastordt

Meghan,

I am frightened by the fact that you somehow believe that taking medicine for an illness is not an example of healing. I am frightened because I know that untreated depression can, quite literally, be deadly. I am frightened because I want you to live a full, rich life. Not a pain-free life - that is not possible, nor even desirable. But if you're doing battle against brain chemistry gone awry, and God, in his mercy, has brought us to the point of understanding more about how such chemistry works and has allowed the discovery of pills to help regulate that chemistry - why in the world would you choose not to find out if that might be what you need to do? If that avenue might be the one through which God might facilitate healing?

I don't know you and I don't know the depths of your depression. But if you are, indeed, truly depressed, then you need to see a doctor who can point you toward both good talk therapy and medical help.

Yes, when we choose Christ, we choose life. But all along the journey between now and the time we die, we have to keep choosing life. That means making informed decisions about what is best for us and our own particular set of physical and/or mental difficulties. Indeed, Jesus heals. But not always in the time or manner that we might imagine, or even in the way we might choose.

What concerns me is that you have somehow relegated your mental health to a status that is outside some sort of boundary you have deduced from scripture. If you are new to the faith, I want to welcome you and encourage you to continue to read, to learn about a variety of spiritual disciplines and to offer yourself back to God through meaningful service. All of that is part of following after Jesus.

But at the top of the list is making sure that we're doing the best we can to care for the bodies and minds we've been given. This is where we meet God -- here in our whole selves. And this is where our own healing happens. The tension I feel is that it reads as though you believe if only you have enough 'faith,' then you will be healed.

This, in a way, is a form of trying to be good enough, courageous enough, trusting enough - when that just is not possible for us. I fear it is a version of what we sometimes label 'works righteousness,' our continuing efforts to somehow prove ourselves worthy of God's love and grace.

But you see, it's not up to us to prove that. God SEES US AS WORTHY BECAUSE OF JESUS. And God loves us even when our faith is tiny, Do you believe that you must prove something to God by believing as you do? Because I want to tell you that you don't have to prove a thing. Going to a doctor to talk about depression is not a sign of too little faith, dear Meghan. It is a sign of life and a seeking after hope. And often, it is exactly what is needed for healing to take place.

Just taking a pill will not solve everything. What it will do is get your chemistry balanced enough for you to continue to do the rest of your life (including growing in your faith) without the heavy weight of depression inhibiting every second of every day. You may discover that this is something that you will need to do for the rest of your life. But you may not. Sometimes, a few months of therapy is all that is needed. But you'll not know that if you don't pursue every avenue available to you.

This is a huge topic, complicated with many layers. And I'm glad you remain open to discussion about it.

Many blessings to you as you continue to think and pray about all of this.

me:

Hi again,

Wow thank you for responding with such kindness and detail to my questions. I must say you've done an impressive job of getting me to waver some on what was a staunch opinion. It's definitely an opinion that I'm going to be continually examining, I'm copying your comment to a word doc to hold onto for re-reads. (I've got a lot to learn and it usually requires me testing things out for myself before I really learn them).

I'm not currently at a point where I've actually needed to consider taking medication, my depressive seasons are usually in response to specific things (like not understanding and therefore refusing to believe God and therefore having no hope). I'm not sure that I actually have clinical depression.

Also, it's quite likely that I'm guilty of the 'trying to prove myself to God, earn His love etc". I have a history of doing that.

Might I post your comment on my blog, so that people who've read my opinion may also read yours? I don't want to be the voice that stops someone from taking medication if they think they need it. If I put it up and you want me to take it down later just let me know.

Thank you again for your concern,

Meghan

***

I admit that reading pastordt's responses made me a bit scared and had me going "God, God, God, I just don't know, God, if I'm wrong, God, God, please don't abandon me for being wrong, God I am way sorry and I totally need You. My opinion doesn't mean anything. I just need you. Sorry sorry sorry sorry"

I also went over to JP to try to find some solace in an opinion agreeing with mine. Turns out he disagrees with me too: "No man could persuade me that all mental derangement is owing to a spiritual cause that has a purely spiritual solution". From Here.

It might turn out that I disagree with me, but I don't yet.

What do you think?

Why I Love the Downtown East Side

I really love the people of the Downtown East Side.

I run to them.

And I've been trying to figure out why.

I think it’s because nothing about them threatens me.

I'm not scared of drug addicts or their dealers, prostitutes or their pimps, the mentally ill, the thieves, the compulsive-liars, the violent, the murderers.

I think that's because the faith that comes easiest to me is trusting God with big things. The only reason that the people of the DTES might scare me is if I feared for my life. And I don't. 

And I've never been scared of strangers.

I actually adore strangers...

Who I am scared of are my peers. 

I run from them.

And I've been trying to figure out why. 

I think it’s because I feel threatened by them. 

I'm so frightened of them that sometimes I even fear them in stranger form (rare but it happens).

I have an on and off relationship with Facebook because it's full of peers who scare me.

The following scare me:

1. Peers who appear to be pretty.

2. Peers who appear to be self-confident.

3. Peers who appear to be happy.

4. Peers who appear to be well-liked (..popular).

And these people are even more frightening in real life than online.

The inferiority I feel in response to them is crippling. 

I see them.

But I don’t really know them.

So I can’t see any flaws or vulnerabilities.

They see me.

But they don’t really know me.

And I don’t think I have any perfection to show them.

So they just see flaws and vulnerabilities.

But they don’t understand them.

I don't want to be friends with them.

I want to forget about them.

I want to run from them.

It's been this way as long as I can remember.

And I've been trying to figure out why. 

I think it’s because I'm scared of them creating a ‘me’ that’s not me.

Strangers (God love'm) are great because:

1) They, by definition, have no understanding of me.

2) I neither expect, require nor desire for them to understand me. 

I like my people to fall into one of two categories; either they know me deeply, or they don't know me at all.

Peers make me feel uncomfortable and self-conscious and insecure because they know things about me but they don't actually know me. It makes me seriously frightened to have people thinking they know a 'me' that isn't actually me. I feel trapped in their perception of me. It feels like the real me is being suffocated, buried, deemed irrelevant. It seems like people don't actually realize that they don't know me. Or that they don't actually care to know me. 

I want to hide from people who assume they know who I am but who have never known or understood me. 

.... My brother has described having a similar feeling. That is, it makes him extremely uncomfortable when people who don't deeply know him make a verbal judgement or observation of him. It seems wrong to him that they should do that. 

All of this is the cause of a major problem.

It makes it impossible for me to love my peers. 

Don't be fooled into thinking I'm virtuous for loving the people of the DTES. It's easy for me to love them because they are strangers. I feel free to be myself with them. I feel free to be vulnerable with them. I feel free to be weak with them. I expect nothing from them. I don’t need to try and earn their love because it doesn't matter if they love me or not.

My affinity for the people of the DTES is primarily selfish.

Who I run to, and who I run from, is based on my desire to uphold and protect me. 

And I am so ashamed.

There is nothing present here other than self-love.

I love people who either love me (know me),

Or people who I don't need to love me (know me).

(I think being loved has a lot to do with being known).

I have loved me.

I have not loved people who don't love me.

Yet I think that in order to love Christ I must obey Him.

And in order to obey Christ I must love people who don't love me in return.

My fear of not being loved by you is keeping me from loving you. 

Forgive me.

I have not been able to love you because I have not believed that Christ's love is enough for me.

I have not believed that it is enough to have Him know me.

If I believed that, I would be able to love you without you truly knowing me.

I would be able to love you unconditionally. 

I would be able to love you like you need to be loved.

Yet I have joy because I believe that all this and more will be possible.

Because He is faithful to finish the work He has begun in me (Philippians 1:6).

Because He continues to teach and guide me (Psalm 32:8).

Because He promises His help, His strength and His victory (Isaiah 41:10).

Because His power is made perfect in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).

And, of course, His grace is sufficient for me (2 Corinthians 12:9). 

Therefore,

Having been justified by faith, 

I have peace with God 

through our Lord Jesus Christ, 

through whom also we have access by faith 

into this grace in which we stand (!!!!!!!)

and rejoice (!!!)

in hope (!!!!)

of the glory of God (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).

And not only that, 

J

but we also glory in tribulations, 

knowing that tribulation 

produces perseverance; 

and perseverance, 

character; 

and character, 

hope.

(WOOOHOOOOOOOOOO)

Now hope 

DOES NOT DISAPPOINT

(amazing stuff)

because the GREAT LOVE of God has been poured out into our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

Sincerely,

the much-read, much-true and much-wonderful Romans 5:1-5

Van Gogh

Yesterday I was studying Freud and leaning a bit about talk therapy, how the catharsis of speaking their thoughts can free people from the symptoms of their mental illness, specifically schizophrenia. I'm not sure what I think about that yet. I mean I definitely think that it 'works' (re: the memoir of Elyn Saks and her talk therapy). But why does it relieve the symptoms and what are the source of the symptoms. I have my ideas but they will stay in my brain for now.

A lot of the time I spend thinking is aimed at trying to fit worldly realities and biblical truth together. 

Today I was reading about Vincent van Gogh and his life. I didn't know much about it. His father was a minister in the Dutch Reformed Church. Van Gogh was significantly committed to the gospel for much of his life (he only lived until 37). He studied theology some and lived as a missionary for a period. He was trying to preach the gospel. As he began to take his own artwork very seriously he considered major works of art to be leading people to God. 

Van Gogh reportedly abandoned any faith in God when a theologian who he had respected and trusted refused to let him marry his daughter. The daughter also refused to marry Van Gogh. Most likely the refusals were based upon Van Goghs extreme mental instability which was well present by that time. 

Van Gogh was likely bipolar, possibly schizophrenic, and suffered from a variety of health problems. He did drastic, violent things such as cutting off part of his ear. He saw hallucinations and experienced very strong depressive and manic episodes. He died from a gunshot wound in his chest. Suicide is the largely accepted theory but some argue otherwise.

I think his life is absolutely fascinating. Before he died (he didn't die immediately from his gunshot wound), his brother reported that his last words were "the sadness will last forever". 

I'm hesitant to share what I'm thinking about all this because the majority of people would call it absolute lunacy and probably write me off as a very poorly misguided, intolerant and crazy extremist. Ack. Here goes anyways.

I think the course of Van Gogh's life reflects a life without God. I think it was sinfulness and temptation that lead him away from God, and sinfulness and temptation that destroyed him. I think that after rejecting God he became utterly lost and there was no hope for him. I think he was buffeted on every side by the devil, against whom Van Gogh had no defense after he refused the Savior he once believed in. The angst and confusion and pain of his life is even more amplified than that of most because he once knew hope and truth.

For if, after they have escaped the pollutions of the world through the knowledge of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, they are again entangled in them and overcome, the latter end is worse for them than the beginning. For it would have been better for them not to have known the way of righteousness, than having known it, to turn from the holy commandment delivered to them. But it has happened to them according to the true proverb: “A dog returns to his own vomit,” and, “a sow, having washed, to her wallowing in the mire.”

2 Peter 2:20-22

Van Gogh's life also makes me think about the following verse:

For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened, and have tasted the heavenly gift, and have become partakers of the Holy Spirit, and have tasted the good word of God and the powers of the age to come, if they fall away, to renew them again to repentance, since they crucify again for themselves the Son of God, and put Him to an open shame.
Hebrews 6:4-6

I think that the devil is real and that he messes with me everyday. I think that he eggs me on in my own sinfulness to refuse Christ and seek my meaning and value in the world. I think that he is involved and happy whenever I sin - when I hate, when I lust, when I desire my own recognition and success, when I take pride in my own rightness, when I stop believing that Jesus is real and true. I think he is constantly trying to remove me from the only one who I need.

I continually fail to acknowledge the power that the devil has and is daily using to bring me to my destruction. But more significantly, usually when I am failing to acknowledge the devils supernatural involvement in my life I am also failing to acknowledge God's supernatural power in my life. 

I need to believe God's supernatural power in order to survive. I am hopelessly sinful and when I don't believe God I have no defense against my own sinfulness. Jesus is my only hope of being free from my own sin. I need to pray and repent and beg for help and depend on God when I sin. It doesn't work when I try to fight my sin on my own. And against all the things that hurt me and confuse me I must wield a faith that trusts Jesus with my life and frees me to love Him more than myself. 

I really don't enjoy believing things that people I know and respect disagree with. Even things they think are ridiculous. But at some point I'm just going to have to suck it up and be okay with the fact that when I say what I believe people are going to think I'm foolish. And I need to stop not saying what I believe because I want to control what people think of me. If people could read my thoughts I would never have this problem.

"For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who suppress the truth in unrighteousness, because what may be known of God is manifest in them, for God has shown it to them. For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse, because, although they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish hearts were darkened. Professing to be wise, they became fools, and changed the glory of the incorruptible God into an image made like corruptible man—and birds and four-footed animals and creeping things.

Therefore God also gave them up to uncleanness, in the lusts of their hearts, to dishonor their bodies among themselves, who exchanged the truth of God for the lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever. Amen.

For this reason God gave them up to vile passions. For even their women exchanged the natural use for what is against nature. Likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust for one another, men with men committing what is shameful, and receiving in themselves the penalty of their error which was due.

And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a debased mind, to do those things which are not fitting; being filled with all unrighteousness, sexual immorality, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, evil-mindedness; they are whisperers, backbiters, haters of God, violent, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, undiscerning, untrustworthy, unloving, unforgiving, unmerciful; who, knowing the righteous judgment of God, that those who practice such things are deserving of death, not only do the same but also approve of those who practice them. 

Romans 1: 18 - 32

UPDATE:

If the verse from Hebrews is causing you some problems check out this resource from John Piper. If you are interested in more discussion of Satan's power vs. God's power read this.

Confession of Selfish Ambition

Early in my faith, I read and re-read passages of the New Testament that described the new man, or life in the Spirit (Galatians 5:16-26, Ephesians 4:17-32 etc). I would do the same with passages that described the carnal life (try Romans 1:29 – 31). And while reading these, I would anxiously try to fix the adjectives in my mind, so that knowing the goal, I could be sure to meet it. I needed to make my life like this in order to please God (and myself..).

The more I did this, the more anxious I became. Each day I was more convinced that this standard set for me was absolutely impossible.

I am definitely one who fears failure, and under normal circumstances, I can avoid failure by only pursuing goals that I’m fairly certain I will meet. I would rather save myself anxiety by leaving the failed thing forgotten then fight the hopelessness I experience when I fail. I choose to do things that I’m fairly certain I will succeed at. Getting back on the horse frightens me like no other.

So I resigned myself to being unrighteous. 
No success being righteous = no more attempts to be righteous = no more failure.

The problem, which I am thankful for, is that I couldn't get my desire to be righteous to go away. Thus ‘resigning myself to unrighteousness’ manifested itself in the form of sleep (in which I could forget that I couldn't achieve the one thing I wanted).

Notice that it was righteousness that I wanted – or my own success in it – no word of righteousness in Christ.

It’s like I was trying to protect my personal supply of hope. Since every failure depleted the supply, I thought not trying to be righteous would keep me from becoming hopeless. In reality, my personal supply of hope went M.I.A, and I ended up hopelessly unrighteous.

And so I slept more.  

Clearly there is an abundance of sin involved here. My self-reliance, to begin with (if I can’t do it, then I give up). My pride (I’m not going to keep trying just so I can keep failing). Fear. Anxiety. Selfish ambition. Lack of faith in general. All focus on me. No focus on Christ. And I wasn't acknowledging my failure to fight any of those sins.

The entire situation made me very much want to take up this defense: “I’m not under the law, I’m under grace, so I can sin and it’s already dealt with, forgiven, I don’t have to deal with it”.

Unfortunately I already knew the rebuttal. Thanks to Paul, as well as the people who managed to get this sinful before I did. And God, of course, for arranging it all. 

Paul: “Shall we sin because we are not under the law but under grace? Certainly not! Do you not know that to whom you present yourselves slaves to obey, you are the one’s slaves whom you obey, whether of sin leading to death, or of obedience leading to righteousness?” (Romans 6:15-16).

I have so misunderstood so many things in so many ways. Primarily, I am under grace in Christ. If I am not living and abiding in Christ, I am not living and abiding in His grace, and I am powerless against sin. What is more, by trying to be comfortable with sin rather than be present in Christ, I was presenting myself as a slave to sin. I was inviting sin to have dominion over me. And it did, quite thoroughly.

***

Some thoughts from Dietrich Bonhoeffer to add to the mix. 
For the thinkers who never stop.

Many of the errors I made regarding my own righteousness I also made regarding the righteousness of my fellow believers. 

The two seem to run quite parallel.

Bonhoeffer ‘On Christian Fellowship’

“Christian brotherhood (and the Christian life) is not an ideal that we realize; it is rather a reality created by God in Christ in which we participate. The serious Christian is very likely to bring with him a very definite idea of what Christian life together should be and try to realize it (that’s what I did exactly!!).  But God’s grace speedily shatters such dreams. Just as surely as God desires to lead us to a knowledge of genuine Christian fellowship, so surely must we be overwhelmed by great delusionment with other Christian’s in general, and, if we are fortunate, with ourselves... every human wish dream that is injected into the Christian community is a hindrance to genuine community and must be banished if genuine community is to survive. He who loves his dream of community (or his life!) more than the community itself becomes a destroyer of the latter, even though his personal intentions may be ever so honest and earnest and sacrificial. God hates visionary dreaming; it makes the dreamer proud and pretentious (happened to me, still does). The man who fashions a visionary ideal of community (or his life) demands that it be realized by God, by others, and by himself. He enters the community of Christians with his demands, sets up his own law, and judges the brethren and God Himself accordingly”.



OTHER LINKS YOU MIGHT LIKE:

Check this out. A thought-provoking discussion of striving vs. grace between Pastor Tullian Tchividjian (Billy Graham's grandson) and Jonathan Merritt.  

And check this out. Micah's experience has some overlap with my own, so maybe it does with yours too. 
Also check out his blog and amble over to it's popular posts (top right). 

Inheritance Incorruptible

God's Words to Hosea regarding His people Israel.

In Brief.

8th Century BC.

God: 

"They do not direct their deeds towards God, for the spirit of harlotry is in their midst and they do not know the LORD. The pride of Israel testifies to his face; therefore Israel and Ephraim stumble in their iniquity; Judah also stumbles with them (4:4). For I will be like a lion to Ephraim, and like a young lion to the house of Judah. I, even I, will tear them and go away; I will take them away, and no one shall rescue. I will return again to My place till they acknowledge their offense. Then they will seek My face; in their affliction they will earnestly seek Me" (4:14 -15).

Hosea:

 “Come, and let us return to the LORD, for He has torn, but He will heal us; He has stricken, but He will bind us up. After two days He will revive us; on the third day He will raise us up. That we may live in His sight. Let us know, let us pursue the knowledge of the LORD” (6:1-3).

God: 

“Woe to them, for they have fled from Me! Destruction to them, because they have transgressed against Me! Though I have redeemed them, yet they have spoken lies against Me. They did not cry out to Me with their heart when they wailed upon their beds” (7:13-14).

Hosea: 

“Do not rejoice, O Israel, with joy like other peoples, for you have played the harlot against your God. You have made love for hire on every threshing floor. The threshing floor and the winepress shall not feed them, and the new wine shall fail her (9:1-2). You have plowed wickedness; you have reaped iniquity. You have eaten the fruit of lies, because you trusted in your own way” (10:13).

God: 

“Yet I am the LORD your God ever since the land of Egypt. And you shall know no God but Me; for there is no savior besides Me (13:4). I will ransom them from the power of the grave; I will redeem them from death. O Death, I will be you plagues! O Grave, I will be your destruction” (13:14).

Hosea:

 “Who is wise? Let him understand these things. Who is prudent? Let him know them. For the ways of the LORD are right; the righteous walk in them, but transgressors stumble in them” (14:9). 

Read this again.

Except put me in Israel's place.

Still true?

Unfortunately, yes.

Or fortunately?

Fortunately. 

Though I sin, God remains faithful.

Though I sin, God remains my incorruptible hope.

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His abundant mercy has begotten us again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance incorruptible and undefiled and that does not fade away, reserved in heaven for you, who are kept by the power of God through faith for salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ, whom having not seen you love. Though now you do not see Him, yet believing, you rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, receiving the end of your faith—the salvation of your souls" (1 Peter 1:3-9).